Cars! Cars! Cars!

The Adventures of Bill and Rick

(Scene: Ford assembly plant, 630 pm. GM CEO Rick Wagoner pulls up in pre-production Camaro. Bill Ford has just driven a just-assembled F-150XLT to holding area and is walking back.)

Rick Wagoner: Hey, yo, Billy!
Bill Ford: Hey, Rich!
Wagoner: Rick.
Ford: Right, what did I say? Sorry, I've been distracted.
Wagoner: Yeah, I haven't seen you around. Where you been?
Ford: Ah, tough times. I had to can everyone.
Wagoner: Yeah, it's tough.
Ford: Well, I gotta go start the assembly line again.
Wagoner: Ha, yeah, gotta get it going.
Ford: No, really. There's no one else in the there (points to assembly plant).
Wagoner: What? No one? You're doing it all alone?
Ford: Right. I can build one F-150 every 18 days this way. I'm beat.
Wagoner: I bet.
Ford: Say, what you got there?
Wagoner: Oh, right. That's why I came over! We're gonna go forward with the Camaro! What do you think?
Ford: Looks pretty boss! Hey, that'd make a great name for it!
Wagoner: Uh, one of the Mustangs was called that.
Ford: Ugh, that reminds me. I gotta go submit my dental claim to HR. That guy's a real stickler for dotting the t's and crossing the i's.
Wagoner: You're the HR dept too, right?
Ford: Yeah. And if that Ford guy submits a claim filled out improperly I'm going to have to call his supervisor.
Wagoner: Uh...

The Adventures of Bill And Rick

Scene: Parking lot of a Costco
GM CEO Rick Wagoner skids to a stop in front of Ford CEO Bill Ford who is carrying an 18-pack of Bounty brand paper towels and two enormous bottles of vitamins.

Bill Ford: Whoa! Oh, hey, Rick. Check it, two-fer-one on the vits! Friggin' drug store wanted $18.25 for 250 suckers but I got 1750 for just $130. Yeah, baby. Costs savings all around!
Rick Wagoner: Right, Bill, good work.
Ford: You know it, dog. Say, what you driving there?
Wagoner: That's what I wanted to see you about? Ever see this before?
Ford: No. Is it a new Ford?
Wagoner: What?
Ford: I mean, heh, ... a Chevy?
Wagoner: No, it's a new Hyundai.
Ford: Really? It's big.
Wagoner: Tell me about it, man.
Ford: Wow, that is a big friggin' car!
Wagoner: UH...
Ford: Craptastic. I thought you told me the dudes at Cars! Cars! Cars! said to start making them small dealies.
Wagoner: Look, that's what they said.
Ford: So are we supposed to just make big cars now?
Wagoner: Crap, crap, crap. Hate. Those. Guys.
Ford: What's the name of this car.
Wagoner: Equus.
Ford: That sounds like your sport coupe!
Wagoner: You mean the Mustang?
Ford: Yes!
Wagoner: That's a Ford, Bill.
Ford: Of course it is. What did I say?
Wagoner: Want to go for a ride?
Ford: In that Mustang? Sure!
Wagoner: Equus.
Ford: Gesundheit.
Zetsche: Auf Wiedersehen!
Ford: What the... this car can talk?
Wagoner: No, no, it's Dieter. He's in the trunk, checkin' out the goods.
(yelling can be heard in background, getting louder)
Wagoner: Come on, Billy, get in.
Ford: OK
(yelling is clearly audible now)
Kim Dong-jin: You give us back our car!
(Ford opens back door, sees Eva)
Ford: Oh, hi, Eva.
(Ford blushes)
Ford (to Wagoner): What's she doing here?
Dong-jin: Stop!
Ford: Hey! Where are his pants! He's a funny guy.
Wagoner: Get the hell in!
Kim Dong-jin: Evaaaaaaaaaa! Oh, Eva. I thought we had something when you helped me end the strike. Hey! Costco has good prices on pants!
Joe (from My Ford Dreams) appears out of his Mazda3: Oh Billy Boy, Hyundai has a wake up call for you!

Autoblog reports: Spy Shots: Hyundai Equus.

Now The U.S. Needs Prescription Plan?

The Detroit News reports: Wagoner pushes Rx plan for U.S. You know, Rick Wagoner (CEO GM) is right, medical costs are too high in the U.S. There are too many people without health insurance. We just wish he was doing this because it's the right thing to fight for rather than it being that his company can't afford to pay for all the drugs Madison Avenue is pushing on us.

It's going to be interesting as more and more workers turn into retirees and companies begin footing the bill for their medical costs. One would think it would open the eyes of everyone to say, "Hey, businesses are going to go out of business if we don't do something about this lack of affordable coverage for everyone." But we're pretty sure the plan is to let the old people die off (with coverage) and then, since very few have pensions moving forward, all the businesses will make money. Ugh, this is turning into another hippie rant. Anyway, good luck Mr. Wagoner.

GM Meets With Renault And Nissan

The Detroit News reports: Heat's on GM board. You know, we don't know. Is this merger/alliance a good idea? Hell, we're not afraid of change, but in this case, we don't know. We do know that GM isn't selling a whole lot of really interesting products, Nissan's sales are down (~18%) for the first half of 2006, and Renault... hell, they don't sell anything here at all.

So does this potential deal make sense?

We don't know. What we do know is that no one involved seems to be crazy about cars. Where's the passion, mates? Hell, we'd be happy if you even sorta liked cars. Just a little. Wouldn't it be awesome if GM CEO Rick Wagoner said, "Holy crap, I love my '05 CTS so much, I'm not trading it for an '07. I LOVE this friggin' thing!"? Or if Nissan/Renault CEO Carlos Ghosn said, "I'm not giving up my 350z. Ever. Even when I get canned for cost cutting so much that we ended up in Tennessee. How do I look in overalls?"? And heaven forbid if rich dude Kerk Kerkorian said, "I do sometimes drive a car" rather than "I eat kittens for breakfast. Calicos are simply deeeeeelicious in the morning."

We think the main problem at GM is that there aren't enough dudes running the show who are passionate about cars. There's not a single person at GM who'a passionate about the Monte Carlo. Holy crap, kill that fat turd.

And build us cars that you want to drive.

GM needs to put their focus on and energy into all of their products. Like the Pontiac Solstice pictured here.

Berman: Kerkorian = Bad!

The Detroit News reports: Laura Berman: Gambler Kerkorian holding GM's fate is creepy thought. Fine, Mr. Kerkorian is a bad dude. He made his money in Vegas (That's bad now? But making money on Wall Street is honest?), couldn't keep a wife (along with most of America), and isn't giving his money away like Mr. Gates (because the ends always justify the means?).

We're not backing Mr. Kerkorian. We're not backing Mr. Wagoner. But we get the impression Ms. Berman has this romantic notion about GM:

So he's [Kerkorian] using his 9.9 percent stake in General Motors Corp. to put fear into a generation of baby boomer managers who are tough enough to get to the top of the world's largest car manufacturer's tortuous corporate ladder but who likely never flew small planes beyond their fuel tank limits.

They're all about teamwork and corporate citizenship and a multitude of group values that are antithetical to Kerkorian's straightforward precepts.

They're all about teamwork and corporate citizenship? What? Group values? Man, we want to work there! In that happy, fantasy land where Jessica Alba runs around in French maid outfits,* it rains M&Ms,** and Alison plays her sweet fiddle.

Maybe Ms. Berman wants Mr. Wagoner to just stay in charge while GM continues to slide into oblivion? While it makes no difference to us (we don't take sides at Cars! Cars! Cars!), it would still be a shame for GM to disappear. On the other hand, there's the chance Mr. Kerkorian is just out to raise the stock price... which is what Wall Street wants. Mmmm, raining M&Ms.

*Suxor
**The chocolate ones, not the peanut ones. When you eat the peanut ones, it's inevitable that something gets caught in your throat and then you start coughing, but since they're M&M, you keep popping the mofos in, and the coughing turns into choking, and you start waving your arms around and praying that girl from accounting doesn't walk over, because your face is all red and spit and snot flying from your head... and where's the dignity in that?

Hear That? Fat Lady. Singing.

The Car Connection reports: Are Wagoner’s Days Numbered? Yes.

Sale Of The Century!

Best game show. Ever. Really. We won all the friggin' goodies. In our minds. We have no idea how we came to watch the show with such regularity since it was on during the time we were supposed to be at skool. Huh. Perhaps that answers a lot of nagging questions.

Anyway, The Detroit News reports: Renault, GM weigh risk-laden megadeal. What deal? you ask. Is that Renault in the headline? you ask. Why does this new megadeal seem to leave out the specifics of you and Alison? you wonder. We wonder, too. Sigh. But the most important question you ask is, Why in the world is GM still making the Monte Carlo? Have they no taste?

Well, here's the deal: Kirk Kerkorian (who has lost a billion clams buying up GM shares) is gently pushing GM into talks with Renault. But doesn't Renault also own Nissan? you ask. What's up with Renault kicking ass and buying up everyone's company when they can't even sell a car to us good ol' yanks? you demand.

In the letter to GM Chairman and CEO Rick Wagoner, Kerkorian said Renault and Nissan were receptive to the idea of expanding the alliance and acquiring "a significant minority interest" in GM.

Expanding the alliance? Man, that doesn't sound doubleplusgood for Wagoner.

Autoblog does some follow up: Nissan responds to GM alliance talk. And our good buddy Robert Farago writes: General Motors Death Watch 83: The End of Days. While we steal his ending here, the whole article is a good read:

In short, the idea that GM would contemplate joining a Renault/Nissan “alliance” is a sign of the General’s desperation, not its ability to seize an international opportunity (whither Fuji, Fiat and Suzuki). Viewed from another angle, depending on what the Franco-Japanese contingent want for their money, you might even say that GM’s breakup has already begun. In any case, it’s yet another one of the bizarre episodes we’ve been predicting for some time: the end of days at GM.

What do we think? With GM selling off just about everything (Fiat, Fuji, GMAC), we have to wonder whether GM is shedding pieces not only raise capital but to make itself appear more attractive to suitors. And, yes, GM had to pay to end the Fiat deal, but that deal is no longer a liability, so we consider that raising capital... just not the money kind of capital.

Do you think there's gonna be a move by Renault/Nissan to gobble up some GM?

That's a picture of Paris. Renault is based near Paris. Paris is better looking than Detroit.

Second Place Is Where We're King!

Well, looks like GM is cool with being run over by Toyota. Soon enough it'll be run over by Hyundai, too. The Car Connection reports: Wagoner: GM at Number One Not "Top Priority".

General Motors chairman Rick Wagoner says that being the largest automaker in the world is no longer his company's goal. In St. Petersburg, Russia, to preside over groundbreaking at a new $115 million auto plant outside the northern Russian city, Wagoner told reporters that GM would like to stay number one but that it was not the "top priority" of the company.

Gee, Wally, we'd like to be #1, but since sales are down and we're not sure how to make them recover, maybe we should accept #2.

We're not old enough to watch the Wally and Beav show or whatever the hell it's called, but we do know that our sweet Claire is runnin' 'round on us and that she should know it hurts us! He's an elf! Albeit a rugged, handsome elf... who would protect us from evil ... ... Let us, you know, know when yer through with him!

Dying General

Robert Farago (not to crap on anyone, but we like the Death Watch when written only by Farago) updates General Motors Death Watch 79: The Vision Thing. This Wagoner quote has been used elsewhere, but it's so good, it's hard not to use it, too:

Referring to Pontiac and Buick, Wagoner said “we'll probably have fewer models under each brand and make them more focused brands."

Did anyone else notice the word “probably” in that sentence? Are we to conclude that Wagoner’s plans for these failing brands are still under development? Beyond that, Wagoner’s remark illustrates one of the most frightening aspects of his tenure at GM: an abject failure to put forth a large-scale strategy for a GM turnaround.

The clouds growing around GM are getting darker and darker.

Saab Stayin', Hummer Hangin'

GM had its annual shareholders meeting yesterday. It was chock full of goodness, too. With old white dudes, hillbillies, and nuns, a good time was had by all. Autoblog reports: GM Chairman upbeat in "State of the Business" address.

Tops on Wagoner's "to do" list going forward:

• maximizing the UAW employee buyout program
• the Delphi restructuring
• closing the sale of General Motors Acceptance Corp.
• new product launches (Saturn Aura, Outlook and Vue hybrid, GMC/Chevy full-size trucks, GMC Acadia, and Buick Enclave)
• ramping up E85 production

Ha! First things, first: can the help. We're pretty positive on the rest, however. The vehicles listed above are all quite good (as far as we can tell) and we are hopeful the Enclave looks a lot like the concept shown at the auto show—if it is, it'll rock.

The Detroit News reports: GM chief trumpets progress.

Wagoner delivered a largely upbeat message to shareholders after one of the toughest years in the company's history. He said he is still optimistic about negotiations with the United Auto Workers and Delphi Corp. over wage cuts for hourly workers. He also firmly denied GM would ever become a Toyota Motor Corp. subsidiary.

What's that last sentence? You know, back in Toyota City there was a scene like this:

Setting: steamroom
(TV is on, GM CEO Rick Wagoner is speaking)
Hiroshi Okuda: What did he just say?
Katsuaki Watanabe: I believe he said that they'd never be a part of Toyota.
HO: What does that mean?
KW: I think he is saying that if GM lost enough money, we'd consider buying them.
HO: Really?
KW: I think so.
HO: Really?
KW: That's what the man said, meng.
HO: Why would we buy a company losing money?
KW: I sure as hell wouldn't.
HO: Why would we buy a company that is losing money because people don't want their products?
KW: Look, H, we're on the same page here.
HO: Did you want to buy GM?
KW: Hells, no!
HO: Very good, Grasshopper.
KW: I told you, only the ladies can call me that. And don't say it in the steamroom. People will talk.
HO: Not that there's anything wrong with that.

We don't know if there are hills in Mississippi, but after a small vote, we voted that hillbilly was funnier than Mississippian.