Cars! Cars! Cars!

Screw Daimler!

Actually, it seems more like "Screw the Germans" but we can't say that because then we'll get pelted with wiener schnitzel or Werner Klemperer. The New York Times reports: $30 Million Fine for Mileage Violations. But it sure seems cheaper to pay these fines than to create more fuel-efficient engines. Perhaps the NHTSA should make the fines really mean something, ja?

Confidence

The Detroit Free Press reports: Zetsche confident in recovery plan.

"DaimlerChrysler management and myself are totally confident in the success" of Chrysler's plan to return to profit by reducing its workforce and production capacity, [DaimlerChrysler CEO Dieter] Zetsche said.

"I know very well the tremendous skills of Chrysler's employees," said Zetsche, who ran Chrysler for more than five years. "I am very confident."

Care to put your mustache where your mouth is, Dr. Z?

Here's the deal, if Chrysler turns it around, you win. If Chrysler gets sold, off comes the soup catcher. Deal?

Splittsville

The Detroit News reports: Germans: No tears if Chrysler's dumped.

Our little merger is nine years old
And its quite the little screwup
So we spell out the words
We don't want to investors in acknowledge
Like l-a-m-e, or maybe p-o-o-r-l-y t-h-o-u-g-h-t-o-u-t
But the words we're hiding from them now
Are truly welcome indeed

No tears going down the cheeks of Mr. Zetsche when he announces the D-I-V-O-R-C-E of DaimlerChrysler. We bet before end of Q2.

Yeah, we suppose it's supposed to rhyme and all, but we haven't had enough coffee. Or sleep.

DaimlerChrysler: Let's Rename. Make It DaimlerChrysler

Jalopnik reports: Breaking! DaimlerChrysler Makes $7.3 Billion In 2006, Chrysler Group Posts Loss Of $1.5 Billion, Up To $1.3 Billion In 2007 On Restructuring. Man, you lose a billion (over and over) and all of a sudden it's "I don't love you anymore." Where'd that come from? Oh, now it's "Don't lose all the money, honey. Look, baby, that's how we roll and if you don't like it, you can just... what? Oh, baby, we'll be better. Baby, no, please baby. Dammit." Bloomberg reports: Daimler Considers Sale, Partners for Chrysler Unit.

White House Meeting Round-Up

Whew, there's a crapload of coverage about Detroit meeting with President Bush. If you are obsessed with reading about, here's where to go:

The Detroit News reports: Bush meeting just beginning of Big 3 push.

Edmunds reports: A vibrant' domestic auto industry is what Bush wants.

Jalopnik reports: Rappin' With The President Wrap-Up: US Auto Execs Play In The Rose Garden.

Autoblog reports: Bush meets with Big Three, has open ear but no commitments.

Detroit Free Press reports: Bush, auto execs to keep talking.

If you are going to read just one, read the last link there, it's pretty darned good. If you just want a totally made-up summary, continue reading.

So, really, Detroit just wants Bush to go on a union-busting rampage and make it cheaper to make mediocre cars so that they (Detroit) can get back to profitability. The U.S. has taken such an anti-union stand that we're honestly surprised Dems took the House and Senate (we're aware that the Senate may still likely go to Repubs once Lieberman defects). Look, we're not saying it's cheap to build cars in the U.S., but why this country seems so anti-union is really staggering. What's not being said, is that it's time for the government to take over healthcare because big business can't afford it any longer. And with the Dems now running Congress, that debate will come up again.

In a press conference on the driveway, the execs from Detroit summed up the meeting:

Rick Wagoner: The meeting went well. Cons: President Bush listened, but made no promises. Pro: Dick Cheney didn't shoot us in the face.

Alan Mulally: Boy howdy!

Tom LaSorda: I lost 50 pounds with Slimfast!

Bill Ford (comes up driveway, running. wearing novelty-sized sombrero): Oh, man, sorry I'm late. I was making donuts and dropped my car keys in the donut batter. So I had to make two dozen jelly donuts and then squeeze 'em all so my keys would pop out. So, guess what? I squeezed 'em all... no keys! They were in my pocket the whole time! Now the kitchen is a friggin' mess with donut innards all over the counter, the floor. There's even jelly in my shoe.

When you click through to the driveway pic, who's that extra dude? He's not mentioned in the cutline.

Short-Term Goodness

"Get these mofos off the lot!" That's what we'd be yellin' if we were Chrysler. "We got more birds comin' in and we need the deck clear!!" That's what we'd be yellin' if we were the chief on Battlestar Galactica. "This plan is a bad idea and will come back to bite you in the arse!" is what we are actually yelling. Towards Chrysler. The Detroit News reports: Chrysler tries risky lease plan. There was an awful lot of corporate talk in this article (and virtually zero Battlestar Galactica talk), so it confused us a mite, but the idea is... plan bad.

Dealers say Chrysler is making lease deals on 2006 models even more attractive by lowering lease interest rates, relaxing credit requirements and raising vehicles' residual values. ...

To make payments attractive, automakers typically have to subsidize leases with precious marketing dollars. Moreover, Chrysler could take a hit on the back end when it sells vehicles coming off lease -- especially if it overestimated their residual, or resale, value when the lease was calculated.

So, anyone out there gonna lease a Chrysler? Which model and did you get a good deal?

If we could get it for $250 a month, we'd grab a Dodge Charger (pic) for leasing. It's a badass car. And we're nothing but badass, baby? What? We're just bad? See? That just makes us all sad-like. Thanks, hater!

Too Little, Too Late?

"Hey, I'm here!" says the little smart car. "I'm ready to tackle the big gasoline prices." ... "Doeth!" Kicking Tires reports: Smart Really Coming to U.S. in 2008. Oh, never fear little smart, gas prices will go back up. Thanks to the recent election happenings, we are going to have to revise our gas prices prediction (more on that when we actually make the predictions).

In any event, the smart car is on its way (for sale in 2008). Not familiar with the smart car? Think of the smallest car you know. Then chop it in half. And now just a pinch more. No, a little more. There. That's a smart car. You can see more of it here: smart goes USA.

What do we think? In an age of excess (excess), we appreciate seeing some restraint. These smart cars make 100% sense in a big city like New York, San Francisco, Portland. But they don't make a lot of sense for folks who have to do a lot of highway driving or who have a lot of people to tote around.

We haven't found prices or sales expectations, so we can say if DaimlerChrysler has its head on straight, but the idea could work. What do you think? Would you buy one?

That's a snap of a smart car. Small ain't it? Is that good or bad?

Desperate Times

The Detroit News reports: Chrysler: $1,000 for your sedan.

DaimlerChrysler AG's Chrysler Group is so sure its redesigned Chrysler Sebring sedan can hold its own in the tough midsize sedan market that it will give $1,000 in cash to any shopper who trades in a Toyota Camry, Honda Accord, Nissan Altima or Ford Fusion for a 2007 Sebring.

The offer is available through Nov. 30 to customers who are currently leasing the rival sedans, according to several Chrysler dealers.

This will not work. There are many reasons:

1. Toyota makes a better product.
2. Honda makes a better product.
3. Nissan and Ford make at least as good a product.
4. The Sebring looks like arse.

Let's pretend Chryslers were as reliable as Toyotas and Hondas. So, then we move to looks. Awww, the Sebring got hit with the ugly stick. Look, a thousand bucks may convince a few people to switch, but the Sebring is so ugly it's not getting invited to the prom. If the Sebring was a real contender there would be no $1,000 bribe.

That's a snap of the ugly 2007 ugly Chrysler ugly Sebring. Ugly. Not ugly.

Dr. Z To Have Dr. Pepper

And chill for a bit. Kicking Tires reports: Dr. Z Ads On Hiatus.

Dear Dr. Z.

Q: Why do you insist on being on TV all the time? My Caravan is leaking oil like LubyJiff forgot to put the oil pan back in place! Can you help me?
A: Nein!

Q: Will DC come up with any customer-focus add-ons like GM's OnStar?
A: Nein!

Q: Is there any woman more lust-worthy than Alison Krauss?
A: Babelicious! I mean, nein!