Cars! Cars! Cars!

Time To Make A New Category

Not that we care all that much for Trucks* but what the hell is Chrysler thinking? A brand just around the RAM trucks? It's not like these things have been selling like hotcakes... so WTF?

Is Chrysler going to spin off the Challenger, too? Oh, look, the Challenger brand is up 100% (when they sell their second car).

Seriously, we almost started the WTF category when Penske was going to buy Saturn but we scrapped it when Penske scrapped their plans. We decided we'll move ahead with the WTF category if Konenenishooterglavenberg makes the Saab purchase official, but now we're wondering if we should do it now.

WTF!

Referenced articles
PickupTrucks.com: Dodge Trucks To Be Separated From Cars Under Ram Brand

*We're just kidding, trucks. We hear Alison likes her some trucks. Oh, that picture is from Dodge. Copyright Dodge.

Chrysler: Thanks, Sux0rs!

Scene: Taxpayers run into Chrysler after a long absence (no emails, txts, phone calls)

Taxpayers: Hey! C! Where you been?
Chrysler: Oh, hey. (looks around)
T: So, how you doing? I know things were looking tough.
C: Right. Well, we met someone.
T: Great! That's so... great!
C: Yeah. He's Italian.
T: Oh, wow! I'm so happy for you.
C: Thanks!
T: So... About that money we loaned you.
C: Yeah... about that...

Referenced articles
CNNMoney: Chrysler won't repay bailout money

Let It Die

Sorry, the minivan was "cool" and the Grand Cherokee sure looks swell (and we also liked the Prowler), but it's over.

And way to screw over the shareholders.*

Referenced articles Washington Post: Sources: Chrysler Turned Down Government Loan Over Limits on Executive Pay

Daiml-Chry.... GM-Chry... Fiat?

Wow, seems like Fiat is doing more than sniffing around. Fiat is apparently looking to gobble up 35% of Chrysler. Well, it doesn't seem like Fiat is interested in buying Chrysler for the products (they want the plants so they can make them some mo' Fiats).

Referenced articles Calculated Risk: Fiat and Chrysler

No Bailout

There should be no bailout for automakers. Before we get too far into this, our love affair is with cars*, not the makers. Their short-sighted motives for high-profit (and low fuel economy) vehicles have created a mess that they themselves are responsible for and we see no reason to foot the bill.

For years Detroit shrugged off suggestions that fuel economy rules were unfair and so they put no serious money into research and development of newer technologies that would help with fuel economy. This sounds so familiar... Oh, safety!

And understand this: It will not turn out to be a loan.

What should happen:

• The government should say no and tell them to get their loans elsewhere.

What will probably happen:

• Congress will pony up the loans
  
• CEOs will not be canned (they should be)
  
• Unions will take a larger portion of the blame than they should
  
• China will come in with big investments to one of the Detroit Three

It's funny that once this depression (it will be labeled a depression before long) subsides, unions will have been fully busted (as a relic of the past and as part of the problem) but folks will need them more than ever before.

No one could have predicted these horrible sales were going to happen.

Referenced articles
NY Times: Frank Sees ‘Disaster’ if Auto Industry Fails

McClatchy DC: No commitment on auto bailout despite union concessions

Huffington Post: Big Three Promise Green Future But Spent Almost $50 Million Since 2007 Lobbying Against It

*And Claire, Alison and Summer. Oh, Summer, have mercy our on catalytic converter!

When Uncle Says No

Boy, what do you do when you find yourself in a heap of trouble and your uncle won't help?

We don't know, either, but the U.S. government has denied GM's request for ten thousand million dollars in order to "merge" with Chrysler. We haven't commented on this before now because we figured it was all made up. There is no reason GM should buy Chrysler. Well, no good reason. We bet if this does happen, GM will just end up shutting down Chrysler's production.

Anyway, the issue here is no loan from Uncle Sam to merge two dying companies. What happens next?

Referenced article

NY Times: U.S. Rejects G.M.’s Call for Help in a Merger

Free Advice: You Get What You Pay For

So, Frank Rhodes, the grandson of ol' Walt (that Walt would be Walter P. Chrysler) offered a little advice to Chrysler bigwig Bob Nardelli. The advice goes like this (among other bits):

• Develop an inexpensive "people’s car" with "no fancy radio, no air, no frills and EASY to service."

No fancy radio? No air? No frills? Hmm, that adds up to... carry the zero... no sales! Spectacular advice!

He ended the advice with this, "This is a sad period for American history, one of which should be and will be won. I am on your side. Make it work - failure is not an option."

Look, we're comfortable being the one car blog that rarely updates and even rarerly makes any sense, but what in the world do those sentences mean? What should be won? The sad period? Can you win a sad period of American history? He's on whose side? Cerberus (that's where the letter was sent)? Cerberus is a holding company. The plan was always to sell Chrysler. Failure is not an option? Really? It's not only an option, it's likely.

In order to avoid failure, here's some helpful advice for Chrysler:

• When you buy a new Chrysler, a cake is delivered to your house and Summer Glau jumps out and kicks the crap out of you. She yells about the men in blue, how it's "not part of the mission" and just keeps beating you with weak windsheild wipers. And frosting. Lots of frosting.

Pardon us while we go buy a... What's Chrysler even selling these day?

Referenced article
eGMCarTech: Chrysler’s great-grandson writes letter to Cerberus, gives advice

Kick-Ass Fuel Deal

Check it, yo. Buy a Chrysler and get guaranteed $2.99/gallon gasoline for three years.

Pros: Gas is going to get silly spendy and you'll have a fix price
Cons: Have to drive a Chrysler. For three years. Three real-time years... not TV years where in one frakkin episode all of a sudden it's one year later on New Caprica? WTF. Mmmm, Boomer.

Anyway, cons win.

Referenced articles
autoblog: Chrysler extends $2.99/gallon gas offer another month

Goin' Swimming!

Hey, everyone, plan yer vacations now. The mandatory one. That's right, two weeks off this summer!

And don't go spiffyin' up yer resumes!

Referenced articles:

CNNMoney.com: Chrysler takes vacation in July

Don't Touch Our Charger!

CNN reports:
Downsizing Dodge. Basically, it's this idea

So Chrysler has come up with a better idea. According to news reports, it is considering stripping the Dodge name from its passenger cars and the Chrysler name from light trucks to create two distinct brands with no product overlap. Chrysler would become the car brand and Dodge the truck plan. SUVs would go to Jeep, which would also keep traditional off-road vehicles.

And so we thinks to ourselves we think, "Hey, maybe dis is a good idea. Make it all distinct-like and maybe consumers will see how it all woiks and Chrysler is for da cars and Dodge for da trucks."

But then we look at the sweet Dodge Charger and we think, we don't want to buy a Chrysler Charger. Why not make Chrysler the upscale division (like Cadillac) and Dodge the boy-racer division with some trucks on the side? We're cool with the booting of minivans to Chrysler, so they're out of the Dodge brand in our no-fail plan.

Thoughts? What should Chrysler do?

See how we sepia-toned that sumbitch? Filters, baby. Filters.