Cars! Cars! Cars!

Ford To The Rescue!

The Detroit Free Press reports: Ford Mustang to be 1st to use soy foam in seats.

Earlier in the year:

Bill Ford (former CEO of Ford Motor Company) runs into board room: I've got an idea! I've got an idea!

Alan Mulally (current CEO of Ford Motor Company): (sighs) What is it, Bill?

Ford: Adam, I've got this killer idea.

Mulally: It's Alan, Bill.

Ford: No, that's not my idea, Abercrombie. Please don't interrupt.

Mulally: What's the idea?

Ford: Aw, now I forgot it. Let me start over.

Mulally: sighs

Ford (leaves room, running) (footsteps get more distant) (several minutes go by) (Mulally resumes meeting)

Mulally: So you can see how the Prius is selling more units than the Mustang, so we need to...

(footsteps can be heard, getting lounder)
(there is a crash in the hallway, with screaming and plates crashing to ground)
Shouts of "Aye! Carumba!" can be heard

Ford: Oh, great, now I have to start over. Again.

(fading footsteps can be heard)
5 min go by

Mulally calls Ford on phone: You coming back, Bill?

Ford (on speaker): Now I have to start over!

15 min goes by
(footsteps)

Ford (bursting through door): I've got an idea!

Mulally: What is all over your shirt?

Ford: I crashed into the caterer earlier. Then I ran outside and crashed into the lunch truck. You know he sells sandwiches? I had a tuna sandwich. And really thin cut potatoes. They came in a bag. Then, when you called, I bumped into a waiter. That's (sniff arm) soy milk on my sweater.

Mulally: What's your idea, Bill?

Ford: (crickets)

Mulally: Let's go with soy seats in the 'stang.

Sellin'

Autoblog reports: Mulally makes some friends, sells some cars at Dearborn dealership. So, Ford CEO Alan Mulally goes to local dealerships to get his hands "dirty" and sells how many cars in how many minutes? Crap, maybe he could turn Ford all around by himself!

The additional good news is that this is working out far better than the last time Ford tried this stunt:

Scene
Year 2001, local Ford dealership
(then) Ford CEO Bill Ford
(walking into showroom)

Bill Ford: Oh, a red one! I'll take it!
Joe, dealership owner: Pulls out flask. Takes long, long swig.
Ford (blinks)
Joe: First, you're here to sell, not buy.
Ford: Check!
Joe: And that's blue, not red.
Ford: Gotcha, chief.
Joe: And it's a gumball machine.
Ford: Does it come with an automatic? Grandma doesn't like the bucky-buck.
Joe: (Sighs)
Ford (turning to woman in room): Hello, young miss. What's your name?
YM: I'm your daughter!
Ford: Want to go for a ride in my red '07 Adams?

Ford: Europe Is The Answer!

Autoblog reports: Mulally pledges "One Ford" global design theme in 7 years. There is great potential for fucking up here. But we agree that it's a risk worth taking because, face it, Ford is in big trouble.

Some of the Fords being sold over in Europe (we're thinking S-MAX, Focus and Mondeo) are really quite sweet and would do well if they were sold here so we're hoping that European influence makes it over the ocean.

Ford, please please please don't fuck this up (aka, sending American style to Europe more than bringing Europe design here).

scene (Ford boardroom)
Former Ford CEO Bill Ford: I brought the Krimpets. And some Coors tallboys.
Ford CEO Alan Mulally: So you read the press release then, eh?
Ford: I did!
Mulally: And so you're thinking cakes and beers?
Ford: That's the plan, right?
Mulally: First off all, it would be crumpets. Second, it would be tea. Third, where are your pants?
Ford: Sold 'em.

That's a snap of the Ford S-MAX. It's a people mover!

White House Meeting Round-Up

Whew, there's a crapload of coverage about Detroit meeting with President Bush. If you are obsessed with reading about, here's where to go:

The Detroit News reports: Bush meeting just beginning of Big 3 push.

Edmunds reports: A vibrant' domestic auto industry is what Bush wants.

Jalopnik reports: Rappin' With The President Wrap-Up: US Auto Execs Play In The Rose Garden.

Autoblog reports: Bush meets with Big Three, has open ear but no commitments.

Detroit Free Press reports: Bush, auto execs to keep talking.

If you are going to read just one, read the last link there, it's pretty darned good. If you just want a totally made-up summary, continue reading.

So, really, Detroit just wants Bush to go on a union-busting rampage and make it cheaper to make mediocre cars so that they (Detroit) can get back to profitability. The U.S. has taken such an anti-union stand that we're honestly surprised Dems took the House and Senate (we're aware that the Senate may still likely go to Repubs once Lieberman defects). Look, we're not saying it's cheap to build cars in the U.S., but why this country seems so anti-union is really staggering. What's not being said, is that it's time for the government to take over healthcare because big business can't afford it any longer. And with the Dems now running Congress, that debate will come up again.

In a press conference on the driveway, the execs from Detroit summed up the meeting:

Rick Wagoner: The meeting went well. Cons: President Bush listened, but made no promises. Pro: Dick Cheney didn't shoot us in the face.

Alan Mulally: Boy howdy!

Tom LaSorda: I lost 50 pounds with Slimfast!

Bill Ford (comes up driveway, running. wearing novelty-sized sombrero): Oh, man, sorry I'm late. I was making donuts and dropped my car keys in the donut batter. So I had to make two dozen jelly donuts and then squeeze 'em all so my keys would pop out. So, guess what? I squeezed 'em all... no keys! They were in my pocket the whole time! Now the kitchen is a friggin' mess with donut innards all over the counter, the floor. There's even jelly in my shoe.

When you click through to the driveway pic, who's that extra dude? He's not mentioned in the cutline.

Plenty!

Oh stop with your worrying you worrier! There's plenty of oil to go around! World oil supply still plentiful, study shows. What weird timing. Republicans lose election, Detroit goes to Washington and now there's plenty of oil. We guess there's no reason to really hunker down and start looking for alternatives now since there's plenty of oil for a long, long time. Don't worry about anything!

World oil production will not begin to fall for at least another 24 years, contrary to doomsday theories that supply is already in terminal decline, a prominent energy consulting group said Tuesday.

Twenty four years! Whew! That's so much more than 23, we have nothing to worry about!

"Oil is too critical to the global economy to allow fear to replace careful analysis about the very real challenges with delivering liquid fuels to meet the needs of growing economies," said Peter Jackson, director of oil industry activity for Cambridge, a Massachusetts-based consultant to the oil, natural gas and electric power industries.

Oh, so Mr. Jacks... a consultant to the oil industry? Well, duh, of course he's going to say positive stuff about oil and the non-lack thereof! Then, they may or may not have had this short press conference:

Peter Jackson: I'm ready to take questions now.
Former CEO of Ford Motor Company Bill Ford (raises hand)
Jackson: I am not the Peter Jackson who made Lord of the Rings.
Ford (lowers hand)

That rockin' photo comes from Dawn Allynn. You can see more of her snaps at Smug Mug.

Partners! Partners! Partners!

The Detroit News reports: Ford focus is on fixes, lukewarm to alliance.

Carlos Ghosn, CEO of Renault SA and Nissan Motor Co., is interested in discussing a possible alliance with Ford Motor Co. now that his talks with General Motors Corp. have unraveled, but with a new CEO at Ford's helm, he may have missed his chance.

(door knocking at Ford CEO Alan Mulally's home)
Alan Mulally: Who's there?
Renault/Nissan Dude Carlos Ghosn: It's me, Renault/Nissan Dude Carlos Ghosn.
AM: It's 2:30 in the morning.
CG: Let's make a deal. You and me, oui?
AM: Do I smell olive oil?
CG: It was free.
AM: Oh. Hang on. I've got an idea. Please sit on the bench there.
(Faint noise inside. Sounds of talking.)
(15 minutes pass by)

Former Ford CEO Bill Ford pulls up in a 2005 Ford Taurus.
Bill Ford: Carlos! Alan said you wanted to deal. I'm ready.
Carlos Ghosn: I'm Renault/Nissan Dude Carlos Ghosn.
BF: Hi!
CG: Is that a Taurus?
BF: Yeah! Can you believe they just gave it to me? It was like I owned the place. It was sweet. They said I could have anything. And I said, "That's bull!" And they said, "No, no! Speaking of bull, would you like a Taurus? Get it? Bull?" I nearly peed myself! They're so clever! So I walked out of that place with this.
CG: Sweet! Where can we talk?
BF: Well, how about White Castle? We can get a sack of burgers cheap!
CG: Bill, my friend, we're gonna be buddies.
BF: Do I smell olive oil?

Another Gig We Missed

Detroit Free Press reports: Bill Ford selects a consultant.

Under a Wednesday, Sept. 13, agreement, Ford Motor will pay Bond $25,000 per day for actual days worked. Bond is expected to work as a consultant for about one-and-a-half days adjacent to each of the company's seven regularly scheduled board meetings per year.

Gee, $25K a day. How did we miss this gig? We just know we could have done this.

Bill Ford: I want to buy a boat.
C!C!C! Financial Consulting Services: No.
Ford: I want to buy a pony.
CCCFCS: No.
Ford: I want to buy Jaguar for billions, dump money into it, and yet never make money from it.
CCCFCS: Good God, man! No!
Ford: OK. The day's over. Do you want your payment now?
CCCFCS: Boy, howdy!

So, 25,000 clams a day. Seems like a lot of moolah for financial consulting to us. What's Bill Ford up to?

A. Paying off gambling debt. Stupid XFL.
B. Likes to have dude whisper in his ear, "After the meeting, Twinkies!"
C. Trying to sell off pieces of PAG in order to raise cash so Ford family can buy stock back and go private.

A Ride With Billy

(Scene, inside 2006 Ford Edge)
Ford: Make a right, here.
Ford: Not so close! What, you wanna just crawl right up his tailpipe! Sheesh.
(Ford readjusts seat)
Ford: No, no. Whew!
Ford: Red light, Red Light! RED LIGHT! Jesus, man!
(Ford readjusts seat)
Ford: Oh, we should stop at that store on the way back.
Ford: LookoutLookoutLookout! Man, what was that guy thinking?
Ford: First On Race Day? Oh, I get it! Bwhahaha! That's funny!
(Ford readjusts seat)
Ford: Found On Road Dead? Oh, that's just mean. (Glares, pouts)
Ford (remains silent)
Ford: I hate this song (changes track).
Ford: I have to pee.
Ford: Are we there yet?

The NY Times (registration required) reports: From Driver to Passenger.

A Visit From Bill

(door knocking)
Cars! Cars! Cars! editorial staff: Hello? Who is it?
Bill Ford: It's me, Bill.
CCC: What? Who? It's 4:30 in the morning.
Ford: Yeah. I got bagels.
CCC: Bill who?
Ford: Oh, you kid.
CCC: It's so early, we're going to vomit.
Ford: Can I come in?
(door opens, Bill Ford enter Cars! Cars! Cars! World Publishing Headquarters)
CCC: Hand over the large coffee.
Ford: This place isn't as big as you make it out to be.
CCC: Ugh, what the hell is this?
Ford: Hazelnut. You really work here?
CCC: Yes. Hazelnut? WTF is that?! Is that one a regular?
Ford: Yes. Does Alison know you have all of these things up?
CCC: Never you mind. Why are you here?
Ford: I got nothing to do.
CCC: So you show up here?
Ford: Where else am I gonna go?
CCC: Really? There's no where else to go?
Ford: Mulally changed the locks.
CCC: Yeah, Alison did that to us, too.
Ford: Can I start blogging?
CCC: What?
Ford: All right!
(Ford begins rummaging)
CCC: What is that? No, no, Bill. We don't use typewriters for this.
Ford: Oh. Well, I can go to the store later.
CCC: You want to blog for us?
Ford: Who else am I gonna blog for?
CCC: How about Joe's site?
Ford: Ah, I had dreams once.
CCC: And?
Ford: My wife found out about Alison.
CCC: Ugh, this is a whole wheat bagel, isn't it?

We Wouldn't Drive a Town Car, Either

Bloomberg News reports: Mulally's Late Hire by Ford Better Than Not at All. OK, Mr. Mulally didn't come right out and say that, but it's what he means.

I'm [columnist Dorin Levin] heartened, though, by the fact that Mulally drives a Lexus because, to paraphrase him, he studied the matter and concluded it's the best car in the world. He probably hasn't driven many Fords lately, so he will undoubtedly be struck by the deficiencies in his new employer's products.

Near the top of Mulally's to-do list will be to find out for himself how Lexus -- and its parent, Japan's Toyota Motor Corp. - - seized the lead from one-time powerhouses such as Ford, General Motors Corp. and DaimlerChrysler AG in terms of quality and prestige.

As soon as Mr. Mulally turns the key in the Town Car he'll be all like "Ah. This is weak. What have I done?"

(Meanwhile, in a Crown Victoria)
Alan Mulally: What is that sound?
Bill Ford: Those are my maracas.
Mulally: No, that sound. And that vibration.
Ford: Look man, I'm sooo out of this gig. I think it's the car making that noise.
(Ford accidently knocks self in head with maraca)
Mulally: Of course it's the car! How did this get past quality control?
Ford: Oh, man, this is gonna bruise. And I told her I'd stop goofin' with the things. I might need to tell my wife you punched me after starting the car.
Mulally: I just might.
Ford: Hater!

Actually, we are glad, too, that Mulally is driving a Lexus. As we wrote in GM Hides From Honda, Mr. Mulally should order up a batch of cars (from Honda, Toyota) for each division and get a written explanation of why these cars are better and how Ford's engineers plan on besting them. In fact, here's the list to make it easier:

To Buy:

Ford: the following Hondas: Civic, Accord, Odyssey, Pilot
Lincoln: Lexus ES 350, LS 460
Mercury: Toyota Avalon, Acura RL