Cars! Cars! Cars!

Time To Make A New Category

Not that we care all that much for Trucks* but what the hell is Chrysler thinking? A brand just around the RAM trucks? It's not like these things have been selling like hotcakes... so WTF?

Is Chrysler going to spin off the Challenger, too? Oh, look, the Challenger brand is up 100% (when they sell their second car).

Seriously, we almost started the WTF category when Penske was going to buy Saturn but we scrapped it when Penske scrapped their plans. We decided we'll move ahead with the WTF category if Konenenishooterglavenberg makes the Saab purchase official, but now we're wondering if we should do it now.

WTF!

Referenced articles
PickupTrucks.com: Dodge Trucks To Be Separated From Cars Under Ram Brand

*We're just kidding, trucks. We hear Alison likes her some trucks. Oh, that picture is from Dodge. Copyright Dodge.

No Way

There is no way that Koenigsegg is buying Saab. Really? No, there is no way. For Alison's sake, they sold 19 each day during August. That's during the cash for clunkers sale no less.

Saab is dead. GM killed it. Long live Saab!

Referenced articles
Autoblog: By the Numbers

Uncle Sam: Your Mechanic

OK, now we're just gettin' all silly. Today's announcement that Barack Obama is going to personally fix your car while Tim Geithner brings you a cup of steaming joe is just insane.

Now, we're all for competition and the government helping out when regular people can't (building roads, national health care), but this has the potential for one of the following:

1. Unfair advantage over, say, Ford
2. Really, really bankrupt the U.S.A.

Think paperwork is bad now? Wait until you need to fill out the ol' AK-723/71 in order to get a new wiper blade. And wait until Mr. Obama sees how often a Pontiac Grand Am needs to be repair. Might be time to call that preacher friend of his for some preachin'.

In other news, we're still waiting to here back about our request for program Uncle Sam: Fixer Upper With Alison Krauss. It's an obscure program for one, for sure. But it's worth doing. Yes we can! Hope! Sticky!

Referenced articles
CNNMoney.com: Uncle Sam wants to warranty your car

TL Hurts Acura

Everyone knows it's ugly. Everyone. Every. Single. Person. Knows. It's. Ugly. Check out this made-up overheard on the street:

Cars! Cars! Cars! representative: Hi, do you know...
Dude on street: The TL is ugly.
CCC: Really? What else?
Dude: And it will hurt sales.
CCC: Is this a secret?
Dude: No, everyone knows it.

See? There you have it. So far this year, TL sales are off about 35% and this updated beast ain't a-gonna help. We'll check in with TL sales in six months to see how it's doing, but it'll be worse.

Referenced articles
NY Times: Pace. Space. But Oh, That Face.

Taxpayer's Hand Tastes Mighty Fine

Hey, this is funny stuff: Take money from party A and use it to sue party A. Go, free market!

Referenced articles
MSN Money: GM, Chrysler suing taxpayers with taxpayer money

We realized the linked article is not a news story, but it was still funny anyway. And, besides, we can link to anything we want. See?

Bail Out

This is just horseshit. We made the vehicles that made us the most profit, didn't invest the moolah in anything but big and it backfired on us, save us. This just goes to show you there is no free market.

What's a good analogy to this story? Ah, how about... What if we sold tickets to our upcoming marriage to Alison Krauss, but she said no* but we didn't have money to refund the tickets because we used the money to buy a lot of viagra. A lot. See? Our "product" failed us so the govment has to bail us out. Does that analogy work? Mmm, Alison. She can restart our stalled chub anytime.

*Yeah, she'd say no. Please. We're so freakin' awesome, she couldn't say no. In fact, that one time she literally couldn't say no so no charges were filed! W00t!

Referenced articles
WSJ: Auto Executives to Seek Government Help

Plug It In, Plug It In

While it may not happen in our lifetime (yeah, you, you old SOB you), it will certainly happen during the lifetimes of the children being born today: Electric cars will get most people from here to there.

And, really, there are no downsides to this. We'll still have road freedom, but we'll have no pollution from the operation of these vehicles. Our nation (and nearly all nations) will no longer be held hostage to those with the fuel needed. Because it will all come from the sun.

Meanwhile, we're busy working on a new sun-ray device that burns off clothes without harming the delish below.

Referenced article

AlterNet: Electric Cars Are the Key to Energy Independence

Turn Off The Radio!

When we find ourselves lost (daily) we have to turn off the radio in order to get our bearings. We're not sure what we'd have to turn off to (cue on the dramatic music) dive on the (start music) The Most Dangerous Roads in the World

For the record, #2 doesn't count. Just because you can drive on it, doesn't make it a road. Otherwise we'da never gotten a ticket for driving over AK's lawn. Mmm, freshly trimmed grass.

More To Come?

We all know GM is about to (ed note: pick one before publication*):

1. Throw HUMMER on fire
2. Flush the toilet on HUMMER
3. Force HUMMER to walk the Purple Valley
4. Shitcan HUMMER because, after all, jaysus!

But in recent news could it be that GM is also considering axing another brand? Or brands?

We got an exclusively made-up interview with GM spokesman Tony Cervone who replied, "We are absolutely not considering canning Pontiac and Buick. Or, man, Saab. Did you see those Saab numbers? Kkkkkeeerist! And just because I dropped a bucket of pink slips a minute ago means nothing." A follow-up question yielded no movement on getting us Alison Krauss's phone number. GM's PR department is so letting us down.

Referenced articles

Automotive News (you need a subscription despite information wanting to be free): GM denies any more brands under review.
autoblog: By the numbers (June 2008 edition)

*"Publication" Ha!

Brilliant!

We are so trying this out when Summer rolls around. What is it?

Jalopnik reports: Couple Busted in Car While "Testing 58 Erection Pills".

How brilliant is that? Yes, Claire, we are doing an experiment on some new medicine to help the, er, uh, elderly. That's right, Alison. You will not need to take any of the medicine yourself. Just relax and help us spot any side effects.

We got so excited over the idea of this that we only just realized it's so very tangently car-related. But we already wrote it and can't help thinking that this could work. Oh, it could!