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A New Ford

The new Ford's here! The new Ford's here! And is he more qualified than ever or what?

Anybody who can keep junior high school kids not only in their seats but focused on a lesson plan can deal with any supplier issue, boardroom dispute or labor-contract negotiations he's ever likely to encounter.

Yeah, that's for su... What? This has been the secret all along? Not years in the industry but a couple of years teaching readin', writin' and 'rithmetic? Jesus.

Look out Mulally, Krabappel is comin' fer ya!

Referenced articles
autoweek.com: Henry III, Act I: Henry Ford's great-great grandson will soon enter the stage

Yes, technically Krabappel is Edna Krabappel. A female teacher. But we couldn't think of a dude teacher and, hell, Krabappel is a fun name! W00t!

Ford To The Rescue!

The Detroit Free Press reports: Ford Mustang to be 1st to use soy foam in seats.

Earlier in the year:

Bill Ford (former CEO of Ford Motor Company) runs into board room: I've got an idea! I've got an idea!

Alan Mulally (current CEO of Ford Motor Company): (sighs) What is it, Bill?

Ford: Adam, I've got this killer idea.

Mulally: It's Alan, Bill.

Ford: No, that's not my idea, Abercrombie. Please don't interrupt.

Mulally: What's the idea?

Ford: Aw, now I forgot it. Let me start over.

Mulally: sighs

Ford (leaves room, running) (footsteps get more distant) (several minutes go by) (Mulally resumes meeting)

Mulally: So you can see how the Prius is selling more units than the Mustang, so we need to...

(footsteps can be heard, getting lounder)
(there is a crash in the hallway, with screaming and plates crashing to ground)
Shouts of "Aye! Carumba!" can be heard

Ford: Oh, great, now I have to start over. Again.

(fading footsteps can be heard)
5 min go by

Mulally calls Ford on phone: You coming back, Bill?

Ford (on speaker): Now I have to start over!

15 min goes by
(footsteps)

Ford (bursting through door): I've got an idea!

Mulally: What is all over your shirt?

Ford: I crashed into the caterer earlier. Then I ran outside and crashed into the lunch truck. You know he sells sandwiches? I had a tuna sandwich. And really thin cut potatoes. They came in a bag. Then, when you called, I bumped into a waiter. That's (sniff arm) soy milk on my sweater.

Mulally: What's your idea, Bill?

Ford: (crickets)

Mulally: Let's go with soy seats in the 'stang.

Ford Sees Plug-in Hybrids In 5-10 years, Bankruptcy in 2

CNN reports: Ford sees plug-in hybrids in 5-10 years.

Ford Motor Company Chief Executive Alan Mulally says he expects the company to sell plug-in hybrids in five to 10 years.

Ford Escape Hybrids are being used as taxis in San Francisco (above) and New York.

"Within five to 10 years we will start to see this technology in our hands," Mulally said on the sidelines of a press event to announce an alliance between Ford and utility Southern California Edison to test 20 rechargeable electric vehicles.

Five to 10? Come on, man! Everyone knew this was coming. We're talking 2017 before we can plug in a Pinto? They still make Pintos, right? Boom!

We seriously wonder if Ford will even be around in 10 years. In fact, Mulally might as well predict "Free cars in 5-10 years. With hookers. And booze! ... Well, forget the cars and booze."

CR To Mulally: Suck It!

CNN reports: No test dummies. So Ford CEO Alan Mulally goes to watch Consumer Reports kick some Ford ass as it tests Ford products (good for Mulally for doing a little hands-on observation action). Here's a bit from the article

Overall, [David]Champion said CR rates Ford's models as the best made in Detroit, but he gave lower marks for the newest one, the Edge. "It is disappointing," Champion told Mulally. "The interior fit and finish is poor, the steering woolly, and the design of the tailgate makes it very hard to lift."

In other news, David Champion is our new hero. Or champion. That's a totally made up name. Come on! Champion? WTF.

By the way, we never liked the Edge's interior, either. When we got our asses in the thing in April '06 we said

The Edge will be a 2007 model. While it's true Ford has the Freestyle crossover, Ford decided to make another one, but just a bit smaller. The Edge has a lot of plusses: better power, better looks... that's it. Is it enough? We spent a lot of time in the Edge and, honestly, we liked looking at it better than being in it. Ford nailed the exterior design, but they must have run out of money when it came time to work on the interior. The interior will be (has to be) the focus of the next redesign. It's quite poor.

You can read the whole post (warning: it's long and charming) here: Notes From The 2006 NY Auto Show.

Sellin'

Autoblog reports: Mulally makes some friends, sells some cars at Dearborn dealership. So, Ford CEO Alan Mulally goes to local dealerships to get his hands "dirty" and sells how many cars in how many minutes? Crap, maybe he could turn Ford all around by himself!

The additional good news is that this is working out far better than the last time Ford tried this stunt:

Scene
Year 2001, local Ford dealership
(then) Ford CEO Bill Ford
(walking into showroom)

Bill Ford: Oh, a red one! I'll take it!
Joe, dealership owner: Pulls out flask. Takes long, long swig.
Ford (blinks)
Joe: First, you're here to sell, not buy.
Ford: Check!
Joe: And that's blue, not red.
Ford: Gotcha, chief.
Joe: And it's a gumball machine.
Ford: Does it come with an automatic? Grandma doesn't like the bucky-buck.
Joe: (Sighs)
Ford (turning to woman in room): Hello, young miss. What's your name?
YM: I'm your daughter!
Ford: Want to go for a ride in my red '07 Adams?

Family

The Detroit News reports: Stretched thin, Ford shifts focus. Poor Ford. We really can't see how they're going to make it through this bumpy ride.

Lower sales, more layoffs, brain drain. We've read over and over again how Ford was already a tough place to work (politics, endless meetings, approval for anything has to be done by top brass), but now there are fewer people. This article takes the stance that Ford is listening to its employees more. We don't buy it. We understand that Ford CEO Alan Mulally is different than previous Ford CEOs, but how much different could he be? Do employees think a change like this (Bill Ford out, Alan Mulally in) is enough?

Boosting employee morale is a key element of Ford's restructuring plan.

Each quarter, the company surveys workers, asking them how they feel about Ford's products and its future.

The latest numbers were not reassuring. Less than half of those surveyed said they were optimistic about Ford's future, and just 38 percent said the company has the cars and trucks it needs to succeed.

If we were running Ford we'd find out what cars/trucks employees would purchase if they could not buy a Ford. And then build those, but better. But since we'd be Ford we probably couldn't build them better.

Meanwhile, the article continued:

One thing Ford has going for it is a sense of community rare in companies its size.

Fields recently told workers that Ford employees are much more of a family than their peers at General Motors Corp. or DaimlerChrysler AG's Chrysler Group. It has a lot to do with Ford's history and the fact that Bill Ford Jr., Henry Ford's great-grandson, is the company's executive chairman.

Ah, family. "Son, you're like the only son I've had to layoff. Except for your older brother. And your sisters."

Cars! Cars! Cars! Editorial Staff Hired As Ford CEO!

Or we friggin' wish. Check it, yo: The Detroit News reports: Ford ups CEO bonus.

Ford Motor Co. said Wednesday its board of directors approved a $6 million stock option bonus -- $1 million more than was previously promised -- for new CEO Alan Mulally.

Aw, yeah, boyeee! Nothing changes except good ol' Alan's pocketbook (it's European!). OK, OK, if we can't be CEO, can we at least be a senior exec like pretty boy Fields?

The board also approved cash payments to other senior executives to compensate them for a bonus program the company is scrapping in favor of a new compensation plan, according to documents filed with Securities and Exchange Commission late Wednesday.

Hey, that's good news, folks. Why? Because if bonuses are being handed out that means that the company is turning it around!! Woohoo!

The news of the payouts came as thousands of salaried workers who signed up for buyouts or early retirement packages bid tearful farewells to their friends and colleagues. It also follows close on the heels of the record $12.7 billion loss the automaker posted for 2006.

Aw, hell, it ain't just bonus time, it's Miller time! Suds it up, boys!

Make sure to read the article -- it's simply chock-full of tasty quotes like this: "What's a million? Plus or minus a million dollars is not going to determine whether Ford succeeds or fails," analyst Bradley Rubin of BNP Paribas said.

That expert graph shows Ford Sales (red) vs Mulally's pay (green, baby, green).

Ford: Europe Is The Answer!

Autoblog reports: Mulally pledges "One Ford" global design theme in 7 years. There is great potential for fucking up here. But we agree that it's a risk worth taking because, face it, Ford is in big trouble.

Some of the Fords being sold over in Europe (we're thinking S-MAX, Focus and Mondeo) are really quite sweet and would do well if they were sold here so we're hoping that European influence makes it over the ocean.

Ford, please please please don't fuck this up (aka, sending American style to Europe more than bringing Europe design here).

scene (Ford boardroom)
Former Ford CEO Bill Ford: I brought the Krimpets. And some Coors tallboys.
Ford CEO Alan Mulally: So you read the press release then, eh?
Ford: I did!
Mulally: And so you're thinking cakes and beers?
Ford: That's the plan, right?
Mulally: First off all, it would be crumpets. Second, it would be tea. Third, where are your pants?
Ford: Sold 'em.

That's a snap of the Ford S-MAX. It's a people mover!

Ford's Mulally Hires Another Ex-Boeing Dude; Builds Planes

The Detroit News reports: Ford culls again from Boeing's talent pool. Clearly Ford CEO Alan Mulally is gearing Ford to change from cars to planes. If only there was some other article about building planes the way we build cars... Hey: Jalopnik reports: Assembly Line Set to Churn Out F-35 Fighters.

White House Meeting Round-Up

Whew, there's a crapload of coverage about Detroit meeting with President Bush. If you are obsessed with reading about, here's where to go:

The Detroit News reports: Bush meeting just beginning of Big 3 push.

Edmunds reports: A vibrant' domestic auto industry is what Bush wants.

Jalopnik reports: Rappin' With The President Wrap-Up: US Auto Execs Play In The Rose Garden.

Autoblog reports: Bush meets with Big Three, has open ear but no commitments.

Detroit Free Press reports: Bush, auto execs to keep talking.

If you are going to read just one, read the last link there, it's pretty darned good. If you just want a totally made-up summary, continue reading.

So, really, Detroit just wants Bush to go on a union-busting rampage and make it cheaper to make mediocre cars so that they (Detroit) can get back to profitability. The U.S. has taken such an anti-union stand that we're honestly surprised Dems took the House and Senate (we're aware that the Senate may still likely go to Repubs once Lieberman defects). Look, we're not saying it's cheap to build cars in the U.S., but why this country seems so anti-union is really staggering. What's not being said, is that it's time for the government to take over healthcare because big business can't afford it any longer. And with the Dems now running Congress, that debate will come up again.

In a press conference on the driveway, the execs from Detroit summed up the meeting:

Rick Wagoner: The meeting went well. Cons: President Bush listened, but made no promises. Pro: Dick Cheney didn't shoot us in the face.

Alan Mulally: Boy howdy!

Tom LaSorda: I lost 50 pounds with Slimfast!

Bill Ford (comes up driveway, running. wearing novelty-sized sombrero): Oh, man, sorry I'm late. I was making donuts and dropped my car keys in the donut batter. So I had to make two dozen jelly donuts and then squeeze 'em all so my keys would pop out. So, guess what? I squeezed 'em all... no keys! They were in my pocket the whole time! Now the kitchen is a friggin' mess with donut innards all over the counter, the floor. There's even jelly in my shoe.

When you click through to the driveway pic, who's that extra dude? He's not mentioned in the cutline.