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How To Be A Douche, By Congress

Douches! Man, these dudes are the biggest bunch of douches that ever douched a douche. Douches!

House Speaker Dennis Hastert and other members of Congress drove off in the Hydrogen-Fueled cars only o switch to their official cars to drive back the few block back to the U.S. Capitol.

We'd like to publicly thank photographer Pablo Martinez Monsivais for showing how our congressional leaders are a bunch of douches. Lying, hypocritical douches. Hey, folks, wonder why gas costs so much? 'Cause our leaders don't honestly give a shit how much it costs us. This example is not the main reason, of course, but it's an easy one to understand. I's hates the douches.

By the way, at this particular event, both Republicans and Democrats were in attendance, and they treated things a little differently (we got this from USA Today):

"The most dramatic moment arose when a reporter asked Schumer and Emanuel on how they personally had traveled to the press conference, apparently hoping to catch them in an admission that they'd used a gas guzzling limousine. Schumer was happy to say he came in a Toyota Prius, an economical hybrid car, and that his family vehicle was a Ford Taurus. When the reporter pressed Emanuel, the congressman said he came in a Ford Taurus. Then, saying 'I'm not playing this game,' Emanuel defiantly opened his wallet and pulled out cards from the Chicago Transit Authority (CTA) and Washington's Metro system, proving he uses public transportation."

So the score is now: Dems: 1; Repubs: douche.

Hot Rods Happening?

So what's the deal? Automakers, shit or get off the pot! We're not sure the world needs to see another Pony car war, but if you're gonna do it, do it and stop talking about it. Ford showed its cards with the Mustang. What y'all gonna do? AutoWeek reports: Challenging Decision. Well? Ugh, they're still talking about it. Our take? Build 5,000 of them. All numbered to make them feel special. And it's OK to price it above the Mustang, too, if it's a very exclusive car. Besides, we're pretty sure Dodge isn't considering a foolish car like the Challenger to be a money maker. It's just something to show they can run with the boys if they choose to. Here's a duo about the Camaro: Leftlane News reports: Camaro consensus shifts to sooner rather than later while Autoblog reports: New pics of Chevy Camaro Concept pics released by GM ALL HIGH REZ. So, now it's sooner? Come on! Look, stop talking about these cars and build them or stop devoting any time to them and build cars that will actually make you a profit. Now from the other side, how come we don't see the Japanese manufacturers looking to enter this silly war? (Scroll down to The Generals)

Bribin' Time

CNN/Money reports: Senators to push for $100 gas rebate checks. Timing is everything. Congress comes up with this superlame plan to give back some money to tax payers to help offset the cost of gasoline. What? There's no way people will fall for it (not a guarantee). $100. That's what, two tanks of gas? Come on! Not only is the timing suspect (midterm elections soon); some of the ideas in this bill are pretty outrageous, too:

However, the GOP energy package may face tough sledding because it also includes a controversial proposal to open part of the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge in Alaska to oil exploration, which most Democrats and some moderate Republicans oppose.

Timing you ask? Oil prices drive up Exxon Mobil 1Q profit. Ha! Congress's buddies at Exxon Mobil are making so much money the U.S. Mint is working overtime and so Congress decides to confuse everyone with a $100 bill. Wasn't Congress all up in arms about how much profit Exxon Mobil made? This $100 will essentially go fill up Exxon Mobil's coffers even more. Our respresentatives, always thinking about us.

The Difference Between Honda And Ford

Honda makes cars, profit. Ford loses money, makes a reality TV show. Sigh. The Detroit News reports: Honda's earnings double in 4th quarter. The Detroit News reports: Ford's bold move: Its own reality TV show. Pity Honda. Everyone there is working hard, refining, redoing, rethinking. Planning, producing, profiting. Ford? Finagling, farting, fucking up. A reality TV show to make a concept car? This is what U.S. automakers have stooped to doing? Oh, Ford. We love the European Focus and have asked for years for you to bring it over here, and what do you? Give us Kelly Clarkson. Mmmm, hot singer lady. Thanks, Ford!

Ford: Pollutin's A'ight

CNN/Money reports: Ford to help drivers pay off their pollution. So, in a nutshell: Buy a Ford, pollute plenty, pay someone else to take care of it. How wonderfully American. When asked why Ford doesn't just make engines that produce fewer emissions, Bill Ford climbed on top of a big Ford engine, straightened his tie, and calmly replied, "Fuck that."

Hybrids For Everyone!

Man, what's up with the piling up of hybrid news all at once? Here's our hybrid roundup:

CNN/Money reports: Drivers run out of gas to save money. Free gas? We got your free gas right here, baby! We're pretty sure the folks who are depending on this free gas aren't the norm. Waiting for the dude to pass you with the free gas while you are pulled over on the highway (on your way to work) doesn't seem like the best use of time. And if you have a job that makes you unable to afford the $3 for gas, it's probably the kind of job that pays by the hour, so it doesn't make a lot of sense not to show up on time. Now don't get us wrong, gas is spendy. But waiting for free gas sure doesn't seem to be the answer.

Now here's Nissan saying, "Thanks, Toyota, for your hybrid technology.... (whispering to Eva) We don't need their stinkin' hybrid technology!" AutoWeek reports: Nissan won't rely on Toyota's hybrid technology for long, Ghosn says. Ha! There goes Mr. Ghosn biting the hand that feeds him. Or in this case, the hand that helps him lose money on each hybrid sale. It's so funny that while Mr. Ghosn really dislikes hybrids, he's still going to build 'em anyway. Stick to your guns, Mr. G!

President Bush looooooves hybrids! The Detroit News reports: Bush gives hybrid vehicles big boost. This is a big ol' "Duh!" if you ask us. If there's a gas guzzler tax, there should be a gas sipper payment. Or refund. Or whatever. Or a lap dance. That'd be friggin' sweet.

Looks like some hybrids do need that tax break dealie: CNN/Money reports: U.S. hybrid sales slack despite gasoline hike. The article doesn't mention that there are still only three real hybrids on the road (as we define a hybrid): compact(ish) cars that are specifically built to use less fuel. Dammit. The Accord hybrid is a great car but a crappy hybrid. And the Ford Escape doesn't count because it's a friggin' SUV (albeit a small one). The three hybrids currently for sale are still the same as last year (although the Civic has been updated to be our current lust car... well, after the Quattroporte): Honda Civic, Honda Insight, Toyota Prius. A couple others, the Nissan Altima and the Toyota Camry, have been announced, but neither is on sale yet. The Camry is supposed to go on sale soon, but as of today, you can't drive off the lot with one.

In general, we have to say we're pretty disappointed with the MSM's coverage of hybrids. The MSM seems to focus on the saving-money aspect of hybrids, but no one we've spoken with about hybrids has ever focused on the money. It's relevant now, of course, as gas prices rocket upwards, but the main reasons people we've talked with bought a hybrid were to use less fuel, pollute less, and get some dirty hippie lovin'. Using less fuel makes us less dependent on foreign nations, and that's a good thing. Hybrids pollute less, too, which is good for us living folks. So, shame on the MSM for not mentioning that. Meanwhile, they'll run articles on global warming and hurricanes and whatnot. But never dirty hippie love. Sigh.

Ford Drops ephyr, Keeps Z, Raises Prices

AutoWeek reports: Lincoln's Zephyr will get higher sticker when renamed MKZ for '07. Oh, we kid Lincoln! We know it gets the engine and transmission it should have had when it was called the Zephyr, but they launched the half-assed car anyway because they were desperate to sell something, anything.... "God, anything, please! We are so far in the pooper! Meanwhile, Cadillac is squatting and snarfing out another variation of the friggin' CTS. How are we supposed to keep up?"

What's The Answer To High Gas Prices?

All the car news lately has left us pretty confused. Large SUV sales are up, large luxury SUVs are down, small car sales are up, yet so are large luxury cars. What the... ? Eh, we don't know either. The Detroit News reports: Weary buyers look for fuel-sipping cars. Are people really willing to "sacrafice" big-ass SUVs for more fuel economy? If gas prices drop back down ($2/gallon-ish), will people, once again, head back to the SUV? Think this will affect GM now that its new SUVs are in full production? Speaking of gas, Jalopnik writes: George Bush Oil Fighter. Meanwhile, Leftlane News reports: Bush orders probe into gas prices. Oh, right. The president is going to look into it. He might as well try to help The Juice find Nicole's killer.

Gates Hittin' The Corn

CNN/Money reports: Gates pumps money into ethanol. Insert some corn virus joke here, insert some corn virus joke here, insert some corn virus joke here. Bill Gates invests in a lot of ... everything; the dude has frickin' billions of dollars. Since we only have tens of dollars, we keep our investments smaller and mostly allocated to beer. Anyway, we don't even know whether this has anything to do with cars, but it piqued our interest because now we need to know what Steve Jobs is going to invest in. Coal? Hydrogen? Claire? Man, Claire could get our motor runnin' but good. Well, for 3 minutes. Tops. Then we'd need to sleep for nine hours. Then we'd need to eat. A big steak meal with potatoes. And corn. And then we'd have to give Bill Gates money. We know his plan!

LA & NYC: Hybrids A'ight

Gizmodo reports Hybrid Vehicles Pass Muster in NY, LA. Hey now, lookie! It seems hybrids have cut the mustard in big, bad NYC and just plain ol' bad LA.

Apparently the hybrids, Ford Escapes, in both cities survived quite a drubbing and hit the 100,000 mile mark with nary a problem. The drivers saved $31 on fuel per each 300-mile shift.

$31! How many shifts do these dudes do per week? Five? Let's say five. That's a savings of $150 a week! That's pretty sweet.