Cars! Cars! Cars!

Lotsa Ford, Toyota, BMW, GM

Same New, Same New
AutoWeek reports: Seven Ways Forward. Lotsa pictures! We love pictures. However, only two of the vehicles shown here moved us. The rest really seemed to be the "same old" from Ford. The ones we liked? Oh, thanks for asking: the SAV (which looks like a Mazda5, which we really like) and the Bronco. We know, we know, the car dudes like trucks? We do! That Bronco is a 4-cylinder hybrid dealie, right? Ha! We're funny because we write funny things!

Toyota Is Smart
AutoWeek reports: Toyota's Camry Hybrid recipe. Holy crap, read this friggin' article! They did all whole lot of thinkin', some fancy switcherooin' and, boom, are savin' moolah. This is a good article if you are in the manufacturing sector or just like assembly stuff. Or men. In factories. Sweaty men. Good Lord, where's Claire when we need her?

It's Not Easy Being Ford
The Detroit News reports: Ford: Now it's easy being green. "Hi, ho, this is Kermit the Sellout shilling for Ford. No Miss Piggy, don't do it! Don't drive a Honda! Gah!"

It'll Be Different This Time
AutoWeek reports: Ford's 'Way Forward' plan also promises new product, marketing. Details. It's all about the details, man! Give us the details! Details. No details plus this: "Ford no longer will provide earnings guidance" really doesn't provoke confidence.

Letter Law
AutoWeek reports: M-napped? BMW demands $260 million for Infiniti campaign. Is everyone going to sue everyone over names now? Seems to be the trend. Man, if every John Smith sued every other John Smith... crap, that'd be awesome! Think of all the laws we could break while these bozos goofed around in court! For the record, there are only 26 possible combinations of letters in our 26-letter alphabet, so we plan on seeing a lot more suing. And with Acura suing Lincoln over the MDX vs MKX dealie, we want to point out there are only 17,576 combinations for the three-letter system, too. Our suggestion? Go with a 14-letter combination. "What?," you say. Hey, Lincoln! Try these wacky combinations: Continental or Town Car or Mark VIII. Also, do names have to be different? We didn't know Lincoln made a LeBaron once! Doesn't that set a precedent in regards to name swapping?

No Sale
The Detroit News reports: GM cuts jobs, production at Orion factory. Crap. Pontiac G6 sales are sliding and more layoffs are coming. We think the G6 is pretty decent, so we're sad to see this happening. What happened here? Simple over production? Competition that much better? Management bungle? Anyone have any ideas?

Love
CNN/Money reports: America and GM: Can this marriage be saved? Of course it can. We're pretty sure that folks will buy "American*" if the vehicle is reasonably modern looking and reliability is there. Design tastes come and go, but the reliability has to be there (an extended warranty proving GM stands behind its products is would also go a long way). Reliability surveys for recent GM cars have been positive and that's a good sign, but until we also see Solstice design after Solstice design, we remain pretty pessimistic. If GM dies, it's not because the automotive press did it, the unions or, heck, even the competition. If GM dies it's because GM killed itself. *We're not technically sure what buy American means anymore since GM builds cars all over and not all parts are from American companies. Is Saab an American brand? It's owned by GM. Anyway, we firmly believe GM can be turned around. We don't believe Wagoner can do it, however.

Air, Slideshows, Jaguar

Frig
The Detroit News reports: Study finds toxic threat in auto interiors. Man, just when we thought we could chill out in our car and not die. Why does everything have to be so difficult? Oh, we're not saying this report is wrong or anything; we'd just rather not know that sitting in our car was going to kill us.

"They could create a legacy like PCBs," Gearhart said of the flame retardant BDE, referring to a now-banned toxic chemical that found its way up the food chain. "They have all the lineage of that type of environmental disaster. We think the writing is on the wall. The smart people within the auto industry know that."

The Ecology Center cited Ford subsidiary Volvo Car Corp. as an industry leader in following a policy to reduce flame-retardant chemicals as concern has grown in Europe. Volvo and other well-performing companies prove the feasibility of providing safer alternatives, Gearhart said.

After the report, Volvo issued a statement touting its models' "best interior air quality." The test scores were the result of a conscious company policy to reduce interior emissions and improve air filtering, the company said.

Go, Volvo! The report does not state, however, that playing Volvo's preferred musical instrument, the hooterglaven, makes one look like a dork. Or, in Swedish, a dorkenborken.

Slideshow From Forbes
Forbes reports: Best- And Worst-Selling Cars By Company. Forbes likes slideshows. We like slideshows. We prefer slideshows of Claire, but we will settle for slideshows of cars. And Morena. We're not looking at this article for real facts since

In many ways the title of this article is a misnomer because for many makers the "worst" sellers are simply the cars with the lowest sales volumes and often the highest prices.

It would have been more interesting if the article/slideshow was about winners and losers in regards to sales expectations. Why didn't we do that ourselves, if we're so smart? You think we're smart? We love you!

Volvo Updates S80 to S80!
Autoblog reports: Holy Geneva! 2007 Volvo S80 revealed in advance of Swiss debut. Autoblog says, based on its looks, this car couldn't be anything but a Volvo. We don't think so. We don't know what it looks like to us, but Volvo doesn't spring to mind. Anyway, we're all bummed because Volvo went the big V-8 route and... Volvo goes from best interior air quality to big ol' V-8–havin' fatty o'fatfat.

Jaguar: No Jaguar For You!
Leftlane News reports: Jaguar shoots for “refinement and rarity” over volume. Now this is something. If Jaguar turns it around with better interiors (design and materials) and then makes them harder to come by... they might be on to something. We wrote the same thing recently so, you know it's brilliant.

Ford, Kia, Toyota, Wagoner

NO PARK FOR YOU!
CNN/Money reports: Ford bans competitors' vehicles from lot. This is what Ford is focusing (ha!) on? Can workers even buy other brands of vehicles? Any particular TV shows they shouldn't watch? How about beer? Only American beer? Or can they have some Guinness? We'd be curious to know why the union workers bought a non-Ford. If we were part of Ford's upper management, we'd buy a few cars from all of our competitors to see how they stacked up, day to day, compared to our cars. Banning people for driving some other car seems pretty silly and a waste of time, however. And, come on, when management and the union agree on the something, you know it's smacked up. In unrelated news, Ford now requires all employees to purchase 12 Fords a year.

"Chevy, We're Comin' For You, Buddy"
AutoWeek reports: Kia putting Chevrolet in its cross hairs, U.S. boss says. Based on how Chevy's parent corp. is doing, we'd be willing to bet that Kia could drink booze for 24 months and still wind up on top. Heh, Kiefer. Anyway, Chevy should worry because based on how well Hyundai has evolved, Kia is going to do what they say.

Toyota's Hittin' The No-No Juice
AutoWeek reports: A new Golden Age? What the fuck is up with Toyota? First, the CEO says they are going to take the hell over (look for "GM and Ford: Crap" piece). Then later says stuff like "we (Toyota) don't want to be number one." Now, there's weird stuff like:

The auto industry has a huge responsibility to make sure its products don't inflict harm on society or the environment, Jim Press, president of Toyota Motor Sales U.S.A. Inc., told his Automotive News World Congress audience.

With all due respect to Mr. Press, but WTF, mate? Cars pollute like crazy. Big engines pollute like crazy. You, Mr. Press, sell a lot of big trucks here with V-8s, so we're not sure what you're talking about since you're actively part of the problem. Oh, sure, the Prius is nice and sweet and little, yummy Cameron Diaz drives one around, but you still make (and sell) more of the bigger dealies. Stop making these if you want to help. Or make 'em use less fuel. And what is this (continued crap)?:

Press said he believes General Motors, Delphi Corp. and Ford Motor Co. will work through the problems they're facing and emerge stronger and more dynamic than ever.

"This is an exciting time that is really a rebirth," he said. "When we look back five, six years from now, we may not see as dark a time as people see when they look forward today."

"We have no interest in GM declining. We have no interest in becoming number one," he said. "GM is a global icon. They support the economy, and they represent the strength of the industry. There is no joy in the difficulties they're having."

Strength of the industry? If losing billions in one year (more than anyone expected them to) is what strength is... the auto industry has some problems. And yeah, there's no joy in the bonuses you get for kicking the ass of the number one automaker. The same as there is no joy booze. And hookers. Eh, for the bonuses and booze.

8.6 Billion Is Nothin'!
Jalopnik reports: GM Losses top $8.6 Billion for 2005, Not the Worst Year Ever. Everyone is pounding on GM (for good reason), but what we found interesting is that Rick Wagoner was CFO at the time and had this to say about 1992's $23.5 billion loss: "[It's a] paper hit." We wonder how the current loss could be glibly defined.

Detroit, VW, NASCAR, GM

Unreliable Cars Come Back To Haunt
CNN/Money reports: Fact check: Are American cars really that bad?. Look, screw people over for a couple of dozen years and guess what happens? People think you will continue to screw them over. Even if you've already recovered. We still think the best way for Detroit to get the attention of consumers is to raise the length of the bumper-to-bumper and powertrain warranties. Everyone understands repair costs, so if your cars are so much better, put your money where your mouth is, Detroit.

VW To Make Some Kind Of Fancy
The Car Connection reports: Spy Shots: ‘08 Passat Coupe. From the article:

Volkswagen has publicly confirmed plans to build an upscale Passat with sleek coupe-like styling...

WTF is VW up to? Look, VW, we like your cars. We really love the look of 'em, the interior design, and the interior materials, but we're not paying $48,000 for a VW sedan. Not until... well, crap, a long time. In fact, anything over $40,000 better have an Audi badge on it. You have a luxury division, so please keep the pricey things there and the affordable stuff for VW badges. For the record, these aren't technically spy shots; rather artists interpretations. But it's still sweet.

No Parking Brake
The Detroit News reports: No parking brake in winter slush. This is pretty mundane, but it happened to us recently so we figured we should pass it along. Plus, Tom and Ray rock. They may not look like rock 'n' rollers, but to car-fix-it dudes they're like Willie Nelson. What? Anyway, if you got wet winter action, skip the parking brake.

Toyota Goin' After Daisy Duke!
4 Drivers Only reports: Toyota Joins Nextel as NASCAR Joins the 21st Century
(Full disclosure: We work for 4 Drivers Only. We aren't linking to this because we want a shameless plug; we were going to write about this anyway. Although you might say, "You guys don't cover racing. Isn't this just a shameless plug?" To which we reply, "Don't make us send Drew Barrymore over there to suffocate you." To which you sit back down and read about Toyota joining NASCAR.) A Camry, eh? We guess this is cheaper than advertising in Southern-only publications: Sister Weekly, Tobacco Times, and Sister Swapper. Speaking of NASCAR, make sure to catch these flicks: Cars and Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby. Ha! Ricky Bobby. That's funny as hell.

"Ford Blows"
We just read The Way Forward? How About Way Too Late? Man, Mr. DeLorenzo lets Ford have it. While he didn't technically say "Ford Blows," we think he meant something like it. OK, OK, he did write this:

It's as if Ford is trying to call a big internal "time-out" so that they can get their collective act together - while the Toyotas of the world continue to carve up the U.S. market like it's their own personal Monopoly board.

Well, that's enough about Ford...

GM Stuffs 10 Pounds of Frig Into 5-Pound Bag
The Detroit News reports: GM loses $1.2 billion in the fourth quarter.

The automaker also said Thursday that it lost $3.4 billion, or $5.99 per share, in all of 2005.

U.S. President George Bush also chimed in that there won't be any bailouts:

[President Bush] said companies need to manufacture "a product that's relevant" and that his administration has discussed new fuel technologies with the nation's top two automakers.

"As these automobile manufacturers compete for market share and use technology to try to get consumers to buy their product, they also will be helping America become less dependent on foreign sources of oil," Bush said.

Remarkably, without any sense of irony, the president continued to say:

"I'm very firm on seeing to it that this government hold people to account."

Comments?
Well, what the hell do you think? Comments are open below for you to spout your thoughts. Share them! Dammit! Share them! Don't make us make you drive an AMC Gremlin!

DaimlerChrysler, Mini, Fuel

Cannin'
Not to be outdone by local rivals, Chrysler cans 6,000 workers for no good reason. "We are big strong German company and we devastate your American economy, ja?" Oddly, that comment didn't come DaimlerChrysler headquarters but from our mailman, who lives on Staten Island. And isn't German. In fact, he's ready for retirement, and the only thing he'll be devastatin' is the couch cushion while he watches Jerry Springer. The NY Times (registration required) reports: Cost-Cutting at Daimler to Eliminate 6,000 Jobs.

DaimlerChrysler said Tuesday that it would eliminate 6,000 white-collar jobs, 20 percent of its administrative work force around the world, taking its cost-cutting drive beyond the factory floor.

Clearly DaimlerChrysler doesn't know how to do this correctly. Hello, DC? You are supposed to can the people who build the cars, not upper management who avoid work by carrying reports around the office. We don't know about you, but if DaimlerChrysler CEO Dieter Zetsche came lookin' for us, we'd hide way, way under our cubicle. He's an ass kicker.

While declining to speculate where the cuts would occur, Mr. Zetsche said that the pool of employees affected was overwhelmingly in Germany, where the company is based. About 57 percent of the company's white-collar employees are in Germany, with 25 percent in the United States and Canada, and the rest spread throughout the world, he said.

Mr. Zetsche then looked around and said, "Although I'm definitely canning Fred in accounting. What an ass!" Fred's retort was delayed by his second chocolate cruller.

Mixed Breed
AutoWeek reports: Next Mini has Italian Roots. Tell us this isn't confusing: a British car owned by a German company but build with help from the French and engineered in Italy. The grapevine says Sweden is all sorts of pissed for being snubbed again. Poor Sweden.

Lying?
The Detroit News reports: The General plays a numbers game as it advertises mpg. Yes, GM does make cars that get 30 mpg on the highway.

So, GM brags that it has 19 vehicles that are rated at 30 mpg or more by the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency.

I'm glad to hear it, but this amounts to about 29 percent of GM's offerings that reported sales last year. So, some 70 percent of GM's vehicle offerings get less than a 30 mpg on the highway.

Consider if Toyota did this same kind of advertising.

It would be able to claim that some 55 percent of its offerings, or 15 models, get an EPA rating of at least 30 mpg on the highway.

Look at Honda. Applying the GM logic, Honda can boast that 60 percent of its models get a rating of at least 30 mpg from the EPA.

Nice work, Ms. Job.

Our Concept Cars Use Less Gas!
The Detroit News reports: Big Three tout fuel efficiency in D.C. Enough with the Madonna-damned fuel-saving concept cars! How about making some of the mofos!

Ford: "We have a concept that gets 35 mpg on the highway."
GM: "We have a concept that gets, uh, 36 mpg on the highway."
Honda (quietly): "We have a production car that gets 50 mpg in the city and on the highway. It's for sale now."
Toyota: "Us, too!"
GM: "Oh yeah? We can lay off 25,000 people just like that!" (snaps fingers)
Ford: "We will can 30,000 on a Monday. Take THAT, GM!"
Eva: My bouncing is gooden?
Ford/GM/Toyota/Honda: Ja!

Ford Creates Jobs By Eliminating Jobs
Leftlane News reports: Ford enjoys benefits of “American Jobs Creation Act." The U.S. rocks. In no other country can you fire employees at home and get a $250 million tax break for creating jobs at home. In unrelated news, Cars! Cars! Cars! would like to announce the American Claire Danes Remains Uninterested Act. We figure if we get Congress to write this act for us, it'll somehow convince Claire to move the hell in with us. She'll be like, "A tax break! And I get to ignore the fat guy?" And we'll be like, "Uh, yes." And she'll be like, "Woohoo. So, according to the fine print, I have to shower here and get dressed here? By the camera?" And we'll be like passed out on the floor, hyperventilating.

Pardon This Commercial Interruption
We managed to get hired to run a new car blog. Yes, we tricked yet another person into paying us while we don't wear any pants! Woohoo! Anyway, if you get a moment, please check out the new blog: 4 Drivers Only. There are now four of us writing it, so you'll get a wider range of opinions than many blogs will cover. In fact, if you weren't already reading, you missed Phil Powell's kick-ass coverage of the Barrett-Jackson Auction in Arizona. We'll be posting this commercial from time to time so that you'll be forced to memorize it. It would be best, actually, if you tattooed 4 Drivers Only on your chest. And then walk around with your shirt off. And if you're a fat mofo, bring barf bags to hand out to those offended by your man cans. Just print "4 Drivers Only rocks!" on the bags.

Ford, Volvo, Maserati, And Stains

Fixin' Ford
Everyone is covering the whole Ford restructuring plan, so we're going to mostly skip it and let the other outlets cover it. Oh, we're reading everything we can find about the restructuring dealie, but we feel others can do analysis better than we can. We think these articles/sites are interesting:

The Detroit News reports: PAINFUL.

The NY Times (registration required) reports: Ford Eliminating Up to 30,000 Jobs and 14 Factories.

The NY Times (registration required) reports: Many Workers, Few Shifts. OK, we admit, it's pretty hard to feel sorry for people who admittedly do no work.... It's examples like this that make everyone hate unions (though on the other hand, we all know big bosses who do no work and get paid bigger bucks than union people). Unions should totally do what they can to protect workers, but stuff like this is just bad for everyone.

Autoblog reports: Ford's 'Way Forward'? Not if the UAW has anything to say about it.... Not for nothing, but the union should fight it. That's what its role is. We're not saying the union will or should win, but they should fight it.

It's also interesting because there's some buzz that the states where the Ford manufacturing plants are located might offer some moolah to Ford to keep the plants open. We're not smart enough to figure all of this out, but it sure is interesting reading. Meanwhile, where's Mercury's brand identity, where are the good Lincolns, and where's the 2006 Ford Claire Thunderbird? Huh, where's that one?

And, well, OK, we need to poke some fun at this:

The Car Connection reports: More to Come from Ford.

It took a team of 60 Ford insiders, working virtually without break for 100 days, to pull together the Way Forward turnaround plan.

Wow, three months of hard work. Sounds like it's time for medals. Hello? It took you three months to figure out you had too many manufacturing plants? It took you three months to figure out that your North American division was in the hopper? And, crap, you still haven't figured out you aren't making cars people want! That took us about 18 seconds to figure out. Let's see, that leaves us with 99 days of virtually pants-free livin'!

But let's get back to lookin' at cars. All this bad news about Ford is bringin' us down:

Volvo, Makin' A Car For Those Who Like Cars
AutoWeek reports: Hatching a Hatch. Ugh! Why isn't this here already? Hello? A hip, cool, affordable (?) Volvo for us poor slobs who can't afford to wear long pants. Where do we sign up? They're still thinkin' about it. Good Madonna!

Volvo executives say the company is considering three avenues for the U.S. edition of the C30. But they can select only one because of limited volumes expected here. The choices, with estimated prices, include:

Pitching the car as an entry-luxury urban commuter with an inline four-cylinder engine and a sticker price of around $23,000.

Sacrificing some volume but gaining performance credibility by equipping the C30 with a turbocharged five-cylinder engine for around $25,000.

Loading it up with gadgetry and all-wheel drive and pricing it at around $30,000.

Anne Belec, CEO of Volvo Cars of North America, says the car must have "a purity of concept." She is against equipping the vehicle as "small, cute and with a base engine."

She says: "It needs a great powertrain, great audio and great wheels. It's important for people to not think of it as a small car because then they expect small power and a small price."

It needs all that stuff, eh? Is that what your customers said? Hey! We have an idea! Why not ask your customers! They might know what they want and what they can afford. By the way, we sure as hell aren't going to drop $30K for a small Volvo, so you should shitcan that mofo right now. Everyone is all hot for the Mazda3 ($18K) and the Audi A3 ($25K), so anything over $25K and you aren't going to get the new customers. Pitch the car as a fun, safe alternative to the Japanese boy racers. Starting at $24,500 with a turbo-charger five-cylinder.

Yum
AutoWeek reports: Quattroporte Leads the Way. Duh. Of course this car is helping Maserati's sales. It's gorgeous. It's Italian. If Claire were a car, she'd be a... actually, no, she wouldn't be a Quattroporte. Claire is dainty and nimble and sweet and, hopefully, blind with no sense of smell. Then we have a chance!

Yawn!
The Detroit News reports: Auto show officials happy despite 2% slip in attendance. Well, 2% isn't necessarily a lot, but it could be a sign that cars aren't as interesting as they used to be. Or, at least, car shows aren't as interesting. Here at Cars! Cars! Cars!, we hate the car shows. Good Madonna, they're awful. Crowded, expensive, hot (not hot in a Claire way). It's a bad scene. Plus the cars are always beat to hell by the third day, so forget it. We think the Detroit auto show should be thrilled to get 700,000 people to show the hell up.

Stains B-Gone!
Autoblog reports: Chrysler Group to introduce new stain- and odor-resistant upholstery. Now, this is the kind of thing we've been waiting for! Stain- and odor-resistant material. Hey, Chrysler, put this in our pants, and we got a sale!

Ford, Recycling, And Hybrids

Ford Goodness
Man, we don't understand any of this. We're glad that there are people who can read financial statements and filter out the spin as to what's happening because we sure as hell can't. Did Ford lose money in 2005? What's this per share crap? They're still fucking making the Taurus?!

Leftlane News reports: Ford squeezes out profit, despite weak auto business, U.S. sales. Despite weak auto business? Isn't that what they do? We're not crapping on LLN; we just don't understand this stuff. How do you make a profit if you aren't selling enough cars?

The Street.com reports: Ford Earnings Are Better Than Expected. WTF! Have we been making fun of Ford for no good reason? Well, the reasons were good (uh, Taurus?), but have we been delusional? Hey, some English words we can understand:

All of Ford's profits came from its financial services unit, which includes Hertz through Dec. 21, 2005, the date on which it was sold. Overall, the financial unit earned $881 million before taxes in the fourth quarter, down from $1 billion a year ago. At Ford Motor Credit, pretax earnings were $465 million, down $78 million from a year ago.

Maybe Ford should stop making cars and just do financial services stuff. And every year they should sell Hertz to someone else so they can keep making money. Would that work?

Autoblog reports: Ford's "Way Forward" Plan. This lists a lot of specifics, but there isn't a whole lot Ford is specifically saying. They will make more hybrids (they said that already), Ford will no longer publish an annual earnings guide (that can't be a good thing), and becoming farsighted, customer focused and innovative is the key to Ford's future.

Once we read all of this stuff, we'll give you our thoughts on it (because you are dying to know). Tomorrow at the soonest. We feel for the up-to-30,000 workers (and the management people, too) who will lose their jobs. That's a lot of people.

Ford To Build Car From Old, Rusted-Out Toyota
And it'll still be more reliable! Oh, we kid Ford. The Detroit News reports: Top secret Ford plan: Recyclable vehicles. Is this real? Is it a secret if we publish info about it? We assume it's real, and it's clearly not a secret if we know about it. We just found out that we could have gone stag to our high school prom! It was rough bringing Mom.

Hybridness?
Leftlane News reports: Chevrolet Equinox SS/hybrid spied. Hey! That's cool. We're not fans of SUVs, etc., but, we hear tell the Equinox is a good 'un. And add a bit of hybrid action and some more refinement action... just action, lots of action, and maybe GM will have something to brag about! Please please please, let this be a real attempt at hybrids. Now to get it in the cars! Cobalt! Impala! Some other GM product!

Predictions for 2006

So it's time to list our predictions for 2006. Oh, we know 2006 is already underway but we've just finished polishing our crystal ball. Uh, that is not a euphemism for anything else. But you say, "Hey, fatties, why should we listen to you? You got any track record?" You know, that's a good question. But, first, we're big-boned. Second, here's what we said would happen in 2005:

PREDICTION: Sales up for: Imports, Same or less for domestic.
RESULT: Correct!. Not every every import went up but the big ones did and that's who we meant. Domestics went down.

PREDICTION: Gas will hit near $3 in summer (anything over $2.70 counts!)
RESULT: Correct! Gas went way, way up. And we don't want to hear it was the hurricanes. Gas went up because oil dudes could raise prices and oil dudes wanted to make more money.

PREDICTION: Hybrid sales will level off or go slightly higher
RESULT: Wrong! Sales went way up. Makes sense, but we're not bright. We figured people would keep wanting bigger cars and trucks.

PREDICTION: Cost of hybrid will go higher
RESULT: Correct! This was sort of a "duh" prediction and while we were technically correct, it wasn't in the spirit of what we meant (we really thought they'd go way up and therefore sales would drop).

PREDICITON: Saturn is going to be hurtin'
RESULT: Wrong! We don't know why, but Saturn actually eeked out a .8% increase in sales for 2005. Who is buying Saturns?

PREDICTION: Lincoln is going to have their worst year, ever. Ever, ever.
RESULT: Correct! Well, let's clarify that. They were down 11.4%. We don't know if that's their worst year ever, but it's bad and things are looking bleaker and bleaker.

PREDICTION: Phaeton will be killed
RESULT: Correct! Well, the car isn't being killed, only the imports to this country are. But since that's all we cover (the U.S. market), we are counting this as a yes.

PREDICTION: Jaguar will expand line of cars but sales will be lower and it will diminish brand. Hey Jaguar, kill off the X-type and hire a slick marketing guy to boost XJ sales, it's a great car.
RESULT: Eh. Sales were down, way down (33%). But they didn't expand the brand at all. Jaguar still needs to knock off the X-Type.

PREDICTION: Honda will continue to rock, Toyota will continue to be perfect but make snoozy cars and Subarus will get more and more expensive (and better looking). We're not sure what Nissan is doing but they are doing it better than Detroit. Essentially, import sales will go up.
RESULT: Correct!

PREDICTION: Pontiac will kill off the GTO because of poor sal... uh, it's a crappy ca... uh, shifting consumer tastes.
RESULT: Wrong! Dammit! Who the hell is buying this turd? Well, looking at sales figures, a lot fewer. While '05 sales were down only 14.6% over '04, same month sales were down nearly 73% when comparing Dec '05 to Dec '04. We wonder if that is a sign of things to come.

Predictions for 2006:

Big Deals
Ford's "Way Forward" plan will be a flop and Ford will have another tough year prompting Bill Ford to step down as CEO but remain with the company.

GM will also have another bad year. Rick Wagoner will be step down as CEO. He will be given a gold Chevy Monte Carlo as a parting gift. Heh. No, no gift. Who'd want a Monte Carlo anyway?

Buick: The division will not be closed. The Buick will not have a major turn around, but we wouldn't be surprised if we saw an increase in sales.

Ford: Fusion will sell well, as it should. Ford will finally add standard safety features to Fusion.

Hyundai: Sales increasing. 2006 might be the year that people stop thinking of Hyundai as the cheap 'n' lousy car company for good.

Isuzu will stop selling cars in the U.S.

Jaguar: Man, we don't know. They just got a bank dropped on them and we're not sure they know what to do with it. Our formal prediction: the cash infusion from Ford will go down in history as Ford's Folly. Jaguar will continue to lose money in 2006.

Lincoln: We're not sure what is up with Lincoln since they should have already closed. Ford is very confused with the division and we predict massive sales slide. The Mark LT is not the answer. The next two years could very well be the end of Lincoln.

Maybach: Maybach? It's a small luxury division of Mercedes-Benz. Anyway, they aren't selling as many cars and we wouldn't be surprised to hear discussions start about closing the division.

Saab: GM's Swedish division will lose even more money than they did in 2005 (~$300 million). And, yes, that means 2006 will be the last year for Saab. Saab will either be closed or GM will sell it.

So, essentially, 2006 will be a repeat of 2005: domestic sales down, import sales up.

Medium deals
Gas will repeat last year's rise and go over $3 again. It will _not_ get back near $2/gallon ever again. SUV sales will suffer again.

Small deals
Lexus will be top luxury brand. Mercedes will still have more cache, but every luxury car will be benchmarked to a Lexus. Specifically the (just announced) LS460. But luxury companies will also be compared to Lexus. This is significant because Mercedes-Benz was always the company that was associated with luxury.

We'll see more hybrids models (towards end of year as 2007 models) and they will continue to sell very well. Especially as gas prices creep up again.

Fuel cells will continue to be talked about but nothing much will happen with them. There will be no fuel cell break-throughs.

Comments?
Well, what the hell do you think? Comments are open below for you to spout your thoughts. Share them! Dammit! Share them! Don't make us make you drive a Ford Pinto!

Camaro, Minvans, Zeta, AMG

CAMARO! CAMARO! CAMARO!
Leftlane News reports: Camaro may come sooner than expected. Good idea, Chevy. Because by 2009, we'd be so over the current Pony car wars that we'd be over the Pony car wars. Over. The. Pony. Car. Wars. Meanwhile, Autoblog offers up: Poll: Did GM debut the right Camaro Concept? We've not really commented on the whole Camaro talk because we have bad memories of the Camaro. No, we didn't get smoked by a Camaro on the way home from high school while the girls watched and laughed. Actually, it was a Vega. And Karen was laughing the whole time. Oh, we weren't driving this time. We were standing on the corner with our pants around our ankles singing, "Old Gray Mare," as Karen passed by. And she pointed and laughed. We had feelings, Karen. We don't have them anymore thanks to various bouts of V.D., but we used to! Anyway, the new Camaro looks like Pixar designed it. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Can Minivans Get Any Better?
Edmunds reports: Reclining seats with foot rests. Here's what we know, if the Honda Odyssey comes out with reclining seats with foot rests, we're selling this old place, our heap of a Saab and buying a Honda Odyssey with reclining seats with integrated foot rests. Man! Reclining seats with foot rests. We know it sounds like we're being sarcastic, but, sadly, we're not. We want this. In our home. But the cats would just piss on it, so in a vehicle will have to do. Perhaps in 2007, we'll be able to relocate Cars! Cars! Cars! headquarters from the toilet in Starbucks to a Honda Odyssey with reclining seats and integrated foot rests in the Starbucks parking lot. Meanwhile, we've gotten used to saying, "No, we can't spare a square!"

Barrett-Jackson Auction Coverage
Like car auctions? Our friend (and co-worker) Philip Powell has been covering the Barrett-Jackson Auction like a mad man. Read his hands-on reports over at 4 Drivers Only in the auction section. We also work on 4 Drivers Only so be aware that each time you visit, you help us feed our kids. Think of the children!

Decisions Are Not Like A Light Switch
Edmunds reports: GM starts up rear-wheel-drive Zeta platform plans. Again. Well? Are you going to build a new rear-wheel-drive platform or not? Stop flipping coins and make a decision.

Scooters Are Not Nerdy
TGB Motor Scooters Announce New Warranty. By not nerdy, we mean supernerdy, but you get the idea. It's OK to pick on people riding scooters. The fact that this company was able to double the warranty means they're not doing any business with Ford or GM, and that's probably a good thing. Heh, scooters.

Me Likem Big!
AutoWeek reports: AMG's new chief has big plans for 2006. Volker Mornhinweg was thought to say, "My big plans will be to make big engines. Big! BIG! Like these, but in engine form."

Comments?
Well, what the hell do you think? Comments are open below for you to spout your thoughts. Share them! Dammit! Share them! Don't make us make you drive a Le Car!

Ford, Crossovers, Saab, Nookie

Go Ford!
Autoblog reports: Ford: Lay-off those assembly lines and get your homework done! Wow, this is awesome. Got canned? Go to school! It will be interesting to see if the workers sign up for this. We're guessing Ford thinks very few will, otherwise Ford wouldn't have offered to foot the bill. Will the (non)workers take this opportunity to better themselves or will they just drink beers in bars until dark?

Whoopee, Another Mania
AutoWeek reports: It's official. By that, AutoWeek means our infatuation with Claire Danes. And that everyone is going to make crossovers. Yawn. We knew that. Most people knew that. It's a modern-day station wagon, so of course companies are going to make them. They handle like cars and are less everything than SUVs. Which is also a minivan, but people don't want minivans and hatchbacks because they send off a bad signal. That signal being: "I care about my kids," "I like practicality over style," "I don't want a stranger from Haiti raising my kids." Anyway, based on the photos in the article, the Buick Enclave totally kicks ass over the Lincoln MNKJOW.

Saab Dude: 9-5 "Blows"
AutoWeek reports: Saab is likely to produce crossover. Another example proving your mom lied to you about honesty when she said it's the best policy:

Spenchian says he will demand more refinement in future products. "I'll be honest with you. The 9-5 is not where it needs to be, long term," he said.

We'll be honest too, Mr. Spenchian: We know. The 9-5 was cool a long time ago. But now it's not cool. It's old and has been totally passed by the competition. Totally. So, thanks for telling us the 9-5 is old. It would have been better, though, if you mentioned specifically which cars we should buy for around $38K. Maybe an Avalon? Acura TL? Infiniti G35? Maybe the 3.6L version of the Passat?

Awww, Dammit! Where's Claire When You Need Her!
The Detroit News reports: Backseat lovin'. Crap. Crap! CRAP! Aw, man! Now is when Claire decides to stop talking to us? NOW? Anyway, if you read the excerpts from the people who tested out the backseats it's funny to read there's always one person into the action and one measuring the legroom. Hey smackies! If someone is encouraging you to seep onto a seat in public, take 'em up on it. Just going into a dealer and just doing it gets you arrested, so take the opportunity when it's presented. Actually, we did show up with "Claire," our portable cardboard cutout Claire. But trying to get into the backseat of a Jeep, her head got all bent and we broke her arm. Which, for the record, Claire doesn't like. Usually. Rowr!