DaimlerChrysler, Mini, Fuel

Cannin'
Not to be outdone by local rivals, Chrysler cans 6,000 workers for no good reason. "We are big strong German company and we devastate your American economy, ja?" Oddly, that comment didn't come DaimlerChrysler headquarters but from our mailman, who lives on Staten Island. And isn't German. In fact, he's ready for retirement, and the only thing he'll be devastatin' is the couch cushion while he watches Jerry Springer. The NY Times (registration required) reports: Cost-Cutting at Daimler to Eliminate 6,000 Jobs.

DaimlerChrysler said Tuesday that it would eliminate 6,000 white-collar jobs, 20 percent of its administrative work force around the world, taking its cost-cutting drive beyond the factory floor.

Clearly DaimlerChrysler doesn't know how to do this correctly. Hello, DC? You are supposed to can the people who build the cars, not upper management who avoid work by carrying reports around the office. We don't know about you, but if DaimlerChrysler CEO Dieter Zetsche came lookin' for us, we'd hide way, way under our cubicle. He's an ass kicker.

While declining to speculate where the cuts would occur, Mr. Zetsche said that the pool of employees affected was overwhelmingly in Germany, where the company is based. About 57 percent of the company's white-collar employees are in Germany, with 25 percent in the United States and Canada, and the rest spread throughout the world, he said.

Mr. Zetsche then looked around and said, "Although I'm definitely canning Fred in accounting. What an ass!" Fred's retort was delayed by his second chocolate cruller.

Mixed Breed
AutoWeek reports: Next Mini has Italian Roots. Tell us this isn't confusing: a British car owned by a German company but build with help from the French and engineered in Italy. The grapevine says Sweden is all sorts of pissed for being snubbed again. Poor Sweden.

Lying?
The Detroit News reports: The General plays a numbers game as it advertises mpg. Yes, GM does make cars that get 30 mpg on the highway.

So, GM brags that it has 19 vehicles that are rated at 30 mpg or more by the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency.

I'm glad to hear it, but this amounts to about 29 percent of GM's offerings that reported sales last year. So, some 70 percent of GM's vehicle offerings get less than a 30 mpg on the highway.

Consider if Toyota did this same kind of advertising.

It would be able to claim that some 55 percent of its offerings, or 15 models, get an EPA rating of at least 30 mpg on the highway.

Look at Honda. Applying the GM logic, Honda can boast that 60 percent of its models get a rating of at least 30 mpg from the EPA.

Nice work, Ms. Job.

Our Concept Cars Use Less Gas!
The Detroit News reports: Big Three tout fuel efficiency in D.C. Enough with the Madonna-damned fuel-saving concept cars! How about making some of the mofos!

Ford: "We have a concept that gets 35 mpg on the highway."
GM: "We have a concept that gets, uh, 36 mpg on the highway."
Honda (quietly): "We have a production car that gets 50 mpg in the city and on the highway. It's for sale now."
Toyota: "Us, too!"
GM: "Oh yeah? We can lay off 25,000 people just like that!" (snaps fingers)
Ford: "We will can 30,000 on a Monday. Take THAT, GM!"
Eva: My bouncing is gooden?
Ford/GM/Toyota/Honda: Ja!

Ford Creates Jobs By Eliminating Jobs
Leftlane News reports: Ford enjoys benefits of “American Jobs Creation Act." The U.S. rocks. In no other country can you fire employees at home and get a $250 million tax break for creating jobs at home. In unrelated news, Cars! Cars! Cars! would like to announce the American Claire Danes Remains Uninterested Act. We figure if we get Congress to write this act for us, it'll somehow convince Claire to move the hell in with us. She'll be like, "A tax break! And I get to ignore the fat guy?" And we'll be like, "Uh, yes." And she'll be like, "Woohoo. So, according to the fine print, I have to shower here and get dressed here? By the camera?" And we'll be like passed out on the floor, hyperventilating.

Pardon This Commercial Interruption
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