Morning News: GM, Ford, VW and Hybrids Gone Bad

The GM That Stole Christmas
CNN/Money reports: GM's big shakeup. Holy crap. Oh we know 30k is pretty close to the 25k that GM mentioned in June but, crap, it's a big number when it's made official (and higher than anticipated).

GM Chairman Rick Wagoner said the cuts were what the troubled automaker needed to turn around its operations but he wasn't ready to predict when GM will return to profitability. He also wouldn't promise this would be the end of job cuts and plant closings.

"As we sit here today, it's our best guess and well thought out analysis," Wagoner said.. "If we've learned anything in the last five years, it's that there's no guarantees in this business or any other business."

In unrelated news, Toyota is on track to top GM sales. Oy. Wagoner's quote could have easily said:

"If we've learned anything in the last five years, it's that there's no guarantees in this business or any other business. Unless you are Toyota. They freakin' rock. It's like they are a friggin' machine when it comes to making cars. And problems for me. It's as if Toyota hates me personally because I hate making cars. Well, really good ones, anyway. Stupid Toyota. ... Maybe we need to hire Karl Rove."

You know, we don't mean to make fun because at the end of the day, 30,000 people will be out of work. And not because they were crappy employees. It's because others were.

Ford Fails To Up The Ante
The Detroit Free Press reports: FORD WILL CUT 4,000 SALARIED: White-collar workers marked for layoffs starting next year. Ford... they never could top GM. Even in ruining people's lives.

One worker said the job cuts will not only hurt employee morale, but also the Michigan economy.

"Why should we be loyal to the company when they are not loyal to us?" said one worker, who has been with Ford for more than 30 years. "People like me are not going to spend money if they don't know if they're going to have a job next week. It's a trickle-down effect."

A second worker said she was upset but not surprised.

"People are disappointed," she said. "With the state of the industry, this wasn't unexpected. People aren't stupid."

Both workers asked not to be named for fear of losing their jobs.

In unrelated news, Cars! Cars! Cars! has opened its first beer distribution center in Michigan. Sales are predicted to boom! Thanks to Autoblog for the link.

Everything Old Is New Again
The Detroit News reports: New Challenger flexes '60s muscle. We like these retros dealies if they are done right and we welcome the Challenger. Which means we'll have to welcome the Camaro, too. And probably the Firebird because Pontiac dudes will start crying and no one wants to see Pontiac dudes crying. Again. But we wonder if any of these upcoming retro cars will be the next Prowler. Or SSR. Or SRR. What's it called? Oh, the SSR. It's still being made?!

Conclusion: Volkswagen Has Learned Nothing
AutoWeek reports: Volkswagen developing coupe-style Passat to battle Mercedes CLS. We love VW. But, really, we hate them. VW, you are the commoner car. Your god-damned name is People's Car! Stop competing with Mercedes, let Audi do that. You need to compete with Toyota, Honda and General Mo... well, forget GM. VW, you built the wonderful Phaeton to compete with... crap, who was it to compete with? What Chevy sedan cost $100k? What Ford sedan cost $100k? We're sure the Passat coupe that you want to build would rock but put it under Audi's name. Or, better yet, take our idea and make a new Phaeton brand. Sell the Phaeton sedan, the Phaeton stretch (to complete with Maybach) and make that CLS killer coupe under the Phaeton name. That would be cool. And cool sells. It always sells. Or is that sex? Come to think of it, this iPod nano just isn't as arousing as Steve Jobs promised.

We Got Ourselves A Strong Case Of Schadenfreude
AutoWeek reports: Not so Hot: U.S. Sales of Porsche's Cayenne ute decline in '05. Wow, 10 months in a row of decline. It's like our hair on our head! If we didn't know better, we'd suspect Porsche didn't have some collaboration with GM. But, Germany's GM did have a hand in this: Volkswagen. We love VW as much as the next guy, but, really, we hate them. Why? We bet VW, during talks with Porsche, brought in some hookers and somehow convinced Porsche that they, too, needed an SUV. It probably went like this:

VW: Porsche! You are looking great.
Porsche: Thanks, V! What's up with the meeting in the brothel?
VW: Oh, nothing. The boardroom is, uh, being painted.
Porsche: Always a good idea to keep things neat and clean so you can focus on your business.
VW: Uh, yes.
Porsche: Like when the frickin' supper table wobbles and you have to fold up your napkin and shove it under the short leg. What is that about? We paid $800 for a bottle of wine and the table wobbles? That's a pretty danged bogus.
VW: Eva here thinks you need an SUV.
Porsche: Holy crap! She's all nekkid!
VW: S-U-V
Porsche: We build high performance sports cars!
VW: S-U-V!
Eva: You like how we gyrate, yah?
Porsche: Ya! What did you say VW?
VW: Eva sure likes you.
Porsche: If our wives find out about this...
Eva: Now my bouncing is gooden?
VW: S-U-V
Porsche: We've come... to a conclusion. We need an SUV.
VW: Excellent.

The Freakin' EPA Is Old School
We're so out of it, we don't even know if we used the term Old School, correctly. We mean the EPA is pretty freakin' weak. The Detroit News reports: EPA chief: New fuel economy tests needed by 2008 model year. Man, check these current rules out:

Current tests assume drivers will average 21 miles per hour in the city and 48 mph on the highway, with a maximum speed of 60 mph on the highway. The national speed limit is no longer 55 mph, and many states now allow drivers to go 70 mph. Also, EPA data now shows drivers are going over 60 mph for 32 percent to 54 percent of the total miles they travel.

Yeah, that's how we drive today. They don't even mention the dual machine guns penalty! Thanks to Autoblog for the link.

Americanizing The Hybrid
The Detroit News reports: New wave of hybrids offer more mean, less green. Only in the U.S. can we take a genuinely good idea and just fuck it up. The idea here is putting hybrid technology into bigger vehicles to increase power and only use less fuel as a side benefit.

Upping an SUV's performance from 10 mpg to 11 mpg will save 110 gallons of gas every 12,000 miles, points out GM engineer Tim Grewe. That's more than the 100 gallons saved by increasing a sedan's fuel economy from 30 to 40 mpg and driving it the same distance.

Grewe's formula works only because SUVs use so much more gas. The 11-mpg SUV needs 1,090 gallons to go 12,000 miles; the 40-mpg sedan needs only 300 gallons.

Why more and more cars aren't being made with this technology is just beyond us. It's as if there is some collusion between oil companies and U.S. automakers or something. Here's a bit more of the article:

Lawrence Dewey, 78, is among those not getting the mileage he expected from a hybrid.

Dewey and his wife love the plush interior, moving headlights, and "get up and go" of their new Lexus RX 400h hybrid.

The only problem, he says, is that it averages only 25 mpg, about what he used to get in a non-hybrid Volvo Cross Country SUV. The disappointing mileage has caused him to drive less.

These crappy hybrids are causing 78 year olds to drive less? Maybe it's not such a bad idea after all.