Cars! Cars! Cars!

No Privatize In Deroit Rock City

The Detroit News reports: Wagoner sees no 'rush to privatize'. Just because Chrysler did the "get bought thing" no need for all of us to get all chubbed up about it. Would anyone look to buy GM anyway? GM CEO Rick Wagoner also took a moment to crap on recent regulations

He drew applause when he said GM is pursuing technology-backed ways -- and not "pie-in-the-sky theories, or unfunded mandates, or ill-conceived exercises in regulation" -- to make its cars and trucks more fuel efficient and reduce emissions, which have been linked to global warming. "We at GM are interested in real-world technologies that will make a measurable difference in reducing oil consumption and CO2 emissions today," Wagoner said.

Unfunded mandates (aka pay us to make a product which we will then sell), pie-in-the-sky theories (aka the competition makes kick-ass cars that are so good, people are buying 'em rather than ours), global warming (aka, Alison Krauss will wear fewer garments and, at least, put slits in her dress to expose her thighs). What is this post about?

What's up with the snap from Wagoner that was used in the article? Is he watching a baseball game or something?

Damned Unions, Indeed

Autoblog reports: UAW contract dispute may delay introduction of new Chevy Malibu. First, the new 2008 Malibu won't be affected by this contract talk -- so, whew!, no worries. That new Malibu sure is sweet looking. We're hoping the insides feel as good as the outside looks -- GM might have another winner on its hands.

Second, and the reason we're mentioning this, anger. We're pointing out this post because of the anger towards the unions found in the comments section. So much hate! So many of the commenters think that the cause of GM's downward spirial is solely tied to the unions.

So few (if any) mention the reason for the GM downturn has to do with the fact that you don't want any GMs (or very few, anyway). Comments are complaining about janitors making $28/hour... yet we bet none of them are lining up to take the job. And the fact that GM wants the line to move to 10-hour days... try that kind of work for 4 hours and see how you hold up. For the record, we're not saying the union(s) isn't corrupt -- we're just pointing out that union-folk are working class people who are getting an ever-shrinking piece of the pie and we don't know what the fuck people are complaining about. $28/hour is nothing compared to Mr. Wagoner's ~$5,000/hour compensation (based on his $10 million compensation for 2006: 10 mil divided by 12 (months) then by 20 (working days a month) then by 8 (hours/day) -- it's just a rough estimate). And GM lost money and was de-throned as the #1 automaker.

Mo Money!

Autoblog reports: Wagoner cuts pay by 25% to aid turnaround, well kind of.

The Detroit News reports: Wagoner paid $10M despite GM losses.

Damned unions.

GM: Just Be Glad You Have A Job

Fancy boys, Automotive News reports: GM to UAW: Let's cut costs. This article talks about local negotiations rather than nation-wide ones which typically get all the headlines (we're 100% guilty of that because we aren't schooled in the ways of unions, negotiations and the wooing of bluegrass(y) singers, so accept our apologies if we've made blanket statements).

In late February, GM opened negotiations with Lordstown's union officials. GM wants the union to accept nonunion janitors, work 10-hour shifts without overtime pay, allow nonunion workers to replenish parts bins and let nonunion truckers deliver and unload parts shipments.

GM wants to shift about 20 percent of the work now performed by UAW members to outside contractors, says Jeff Manning, president of UAW Local 31. That would affect about 500 of the plant's 2,500 union jobs, he said.

Now we don't happen to know if that 10-hour shift means 50 hours a week, but we're willing to bet it's a 5-day/week jobbie, so what does this mean exactly? GM is forcing big pay cuts for janitors ($28/hour to $12/hour) and imposing more work hours? Hawesome! What's good for GM is good for America! Yay! It's become crystal clear the main problem people aren't lining up to buy GMs is clearly based on janitorial pay. Why we didn't see this before... well, we're ashamed. Mr. Wagoner, get on this janitorial compensation model ASAP!

But Manning says the rank-and-file might not approve True North unless GM management shares the financial sacrifice. "It's going to be tough," he said. "It'd be far easier if management shared in the $54 million."

Careful, Mr. Manning. Talk like that is enough to get the plant shutdown for good.

What's Up With Dem Fuel Prices?

Jalopnik reports: I Just Paid Under Two Bucks A Gallon For Gas! Look, we're no old, white business men, so we don't have a valid theory as to why gas prices are dropping (well, none that don't involve Alison Krauss with a cape and stilettos), but it's definitely interesting. What could the real cause be?

The Detroit Free Press reports: Can $2 gas give SUV sales a jump? Oh, right! If everyone starts buying SUVs and trucks again we'll all need to buy fuel more often! Is this true or are we just being paranoid?

The Detroit News reports: Wagoner calls for U.S. to focus on alternative fuel. So the government should pay for the research on a new fuel, rather than the marketplace? How come (GM CEO) Rick Wagoner thinks the government can make a new fuel, but not regulate tailpipe emissions?

White House Meeting Round-Up

Whew, there's a crapload of coverage about Detroit meeting with President Bush. If you are obsessed with reading about, here's where to go:

The Detroit News reports: Bush meeting just beginning of Big 3 push.

Edmunds reports: A vibrant' domestic auto industry is what Bush wants.

Jalopnik reports: Rappin' With The President Wrap-Up: US Auto Execs Play In The Rose Garden.

Autoblog reports: Bush meets with Big Three, has open ear but no commitments.

Detroit Free Press reports: Bush, auto execs to keep talking.

If you are going to read just one, read the last link there, it's pretty darned good. If you just want a totally made-up summary, continue reading.

So, really, Detroit just wants Bush to go on a union-busting rampage and make it cheaper to make mediocre cars so that they (Detroit) can get back to profitability. The U.S. has taken such an anti-union stand that we're honestly surprised Dems took the House and Senate (we're aware that the Senate may still likely go to Repubs once Lieberman defects). Look, we're not saying it's cheap to build cars in the U.S., but why this country seems so anti-union is really staggering. What's not being said, is that it's time for the government to take over healthcare because big business can't afford it any longer. And with the Dems now running Congress, that debate will come up again.

In a press conference on the driveway, the execs from Detroit summed up the meeting:

Rick Wagoner: The meeting went well. Cons: President Bush listened, but made no promises. Pro: Dick Cheney didn't shoot us in the face.

Alan Mulally: Boy howdy!

Tom LaSorda: I lost 50 pounds with Slimfast!

Bill Ford (comes up driveway, running. wearing novelty-sized sombrero): Oh, man, sorry I'm late. I was making donuts and dropped my car keys in the donut batter. So I had to make two dozen jelly donuts and then squeeze 'em all so my keys would pop out. So, guess what? I squeezed 'em all... no keys! They were in my pocket the whole time! Now the kitchen is a friggin' mess with donut innards all over the counter, the floor. There's even jelly in my shoe.

When you click through to the driveway pic, who's that extra dude? He's not mentioned in the cutline.

Cars With Added Suck

See what happens when you have a parent company that does car stuff? You get real lists of useful information. Not like our parent company that gives mis-printed t-shirts (Hokey-Man Derives Power), unintelligible fortune cookie sayings (Bending Excels! Produce Now!), and a really beat up 1979 Impala. Anyway, Kicking Tires reports: Kia Sorento No. 1 on our Top 10 Cash-Back List. Ha! The Saab 9-2x is on the list. They should make Rick Wagoner personally hand the check to people with an apology, "I'm so sorry. This isn't a Saab. They bullied me into making it. Crap. I'm so sorry."

Wagoner: We Will Kick Ass

Detroit Free Press reports: Wagoner: GM is OK, alliance or no. Sure sounds like Rick Wagoner is positioning GM for a massive come back. And with GM increasing its warranties, it's sure putting its money where its mouth is.

But we're not totally sold on this because, when it comes right down to is, there aren't a lot of products GM is making that we'd buy. We don't really matter, however, since we're not even in the market for one car, let alone 250,000 of them.

What GM you buying now that GM's showing off its confidence with the increased warranty? Does the warranty even matter? If you ain't a-buyin' a GM, what you buying?

Please don't say you are buying a Monte Carlo because that would make us weep. Then laugh. Then weep some more.

No! No! No!

Sigh, Ford. Oh, Ford. Jalopnik reports: One Adam Twelve: Ford Crown Vic Due for Freshening in 2009.

Bill Ford: Check it, Ricky!
Rick Wagoner: Yes, Billy. That's your Crown Vic. Pretty beat design, no?
Ford: Dude, lights!
Wagoner: Yes. I see.
Ford: Check out the...
Wagoner: No, I don't need to hear the...
(Sirens begin wailing)
Ford (yelling): Breaker 1-9, this is the Bandit!
Wagoner (switches off sirens): First, no more sirens! Second, the Bandit never switched on sirens. That was Buford T...
Ford: Justice! Hey, give me your handkerchief.
Wagoner: What for?
Ford: Little fly shit on the dash.

The Adventures of Bill and Rick

(Scene: Ford assembly plant, 630 pm. GM CEO Rick Wagoner pulls up in pre-production Camaro. Bill Ford has just driven a just-assembled F-150XLT to holding area and is walking back.)

Rick Wagoner: Hey, yo, Billy!
Bill Ford: Hey, Rich!
Wagoner: Rick.
Ford: Right, what did I say? Sorry, I've been distracted.
Wagoner: Yeah, I haven't seen you around. Where you been?
Ford: Ah, tough times. I had to can everyone.
Wagoner: Yeah, it's tough.
Ford: Well, I gotta go start the assembly line again.
Wagoner: Ha, yeah, gotta get it going.
Ford: No, really. There's no one else in the there (points to assembly plant).
Wagoner: What? No one? You're doing it all alone?
Ford: Right. I can build one F-150 every 18 days this way. I'm beat.
Wagoner: I bet.
Ford: Say, what you got there?
Wagoner: Oh, right. That's why I came over! We're gonna go forward with the Camaro! What do you think?
Ford: Looks pretty boss! Hey, that'd make a great name for it!
Wagoner: Uh, one of the Mustangs was called that.
Ford: Ugh, that reminds me. I gotta go submit my dental claim to HR. That guy's a real stickler for dotting the t's and crossing the i's.
Wagoner: You're the HR dept too, right?
Ford: Yeah. And if that Ford guy submits a claim filled out improperly I'm going to have to call his supervisor.
Wagoner: Uh...