Cars! Cars! Cars!

Cars! Cars! Cars! Parking Lot

When a writer begins to stray from the topic:
Today on Mother Proof: 2008 Audi A8 Reviewed. Hey, we're not throwing stones, we do it, too, but we expected more from Mother Proof. If you are dropping this kind of coin on a car, the kids ride with the nanny.

Aw, hell, damn, fart! Next-Gen Acura RL to get a V8 and RWD-biased SH-AWD. Is nothing sacred anymore? What made Acura special is that they didn't fall into the whole V8 movement. And it could have proved pretty dang smart as fuel begins its creep up to $5 by June '09. And this thing'll probably need premium. How the hell you gonna swing your double freakin' mocha latte?

Frakkin' yay! Lincoln likely to kill LT truck. Now to get Cadillac to drop the horrific EXT and we'll be on to something (sales are down 35% anyway... just drop it!)

Oh, as if this wasn't predicted a couple of years ago! (Ha! Get it? We called this sukka years ago when sales were even better than a paltry 2.25 a week or whatever the hell it is) Daimler Mulls Closing the Doors on Maybach. Why did the Maybach fail? Because it was brought over as a first-class passenger on the Queen Elizabeth II? No, despite the grand entrance, the car has no presence. So much so that decent design (again, no presence but a decent design) and moved it to Mercedes' S-Class. Boom! Maybach without the cos... Hell, S-Class is more than we can swing unless we get into Summer. Summer has presence.

Lincoln Needs A Lutz

Oh, we've poked plenty of fun at GM's car dude Bob Lutz, but apparently he's thrown his big balls around enough to get some decent cars made. Ford needs to get its own Lutz action figure and clean up the mess that is Lincoln. Hell, all of Ford. Ford's exteriors are OK (unoffensive if nothing else), but interiors? Yikes!

Take a look at this turd: 2009 Lincoln MKS. Terrible! If Ford thinks this is a serious competitor to the 2008 Cadillac CTS they are drunk off their arses. This interior looks awesome for 1993, but for 2009... it's incredibly weak. You can read the whole bit over at Autoblog here: Spy Shots: Interior of the 2009 Lincoln MKS.

By the way, that big red button is to initiate the buyer's remorse sequence.

Large And In Charge. Well, Not Really

CNN reports: Showing off: Then and now. These are big-ass brutues:

Cadillac Escalade
Lincoln Navigator
Chrysler Aspen

The latter... the Aspen. Please. Did you catch the introduction (click on videos button on that page) at the Auto Show at the start of the year? What an amazingly crazy, waste-of-time introduction. We're pretty sure Chrysler only did that kind of intro to distract people from how odd it was to introduce a big SUV at a time when folks were moving away from. Really, go watch that video. Go! See? It really was that... oh, stop. No, stop crying. We're sorry!

Our buddy Jason recently reviewed the Navigator and gave it a thumbs-down. And while he didn't love the Escalade, he liked it well enough.

Anyway, these big-ass SUVs are big. And ass.

We work for About.com. Thanks goes out to alert reader Jeff. He simply rocks.

Cars! Cars! Cars! Parking Lot

We meant to link this in a million years ago, but there's some purty pictures over at wallpapergarage.com. If you want a desktop pic for your computer (and, you know, of a car), this is the place to start.

Old, irrelevant brands are the best! Well, the dealers of those brands. The Detroit News reports: Car owners give Jaguar, Lincoln top spots in dealer satisfaction.

Yay, the pickups are early! And gas prices are down! Detroit Free Press reports: GM plant celebrates early rollout of full-sized pickups. We don't consider it a celebration unless Alison Krauss is there, however.

Cars! Cars! Cars! Parking Lot

These are totally worth reading:

Jalopnik reports: Ford's S-Max Takes Car of the Year, Somewhere Else. Screw Ford! This S-Max should totally be for sale here. It looks to be a smaller people mover (ala the Mazda5 which we also love).

AutoWeek reports: Unique Looks for Lincoln. Ford promises to keep Ford and Lincoln separate. No obvious re-badging here! Let's all keep an eye on them and make sure they know we're watching.

Lincoln's Doomed

The Detroit News reports: Light at the end of the Lincoln tunnel. A light? It's the medical examiner's flashlight. Pupils are fixed, man.

Recognizing that the Zephyr was shy on horsepower and a little sloppy at the controls, the engineering team upped the V-6 powertrain to 263 hp (from 221), kept the six-speed automatic transmission, offered all wheel drive as an option and firmed up the ride and handling. Even without these improvements, the Zephyr has sold surprisingly well for Lincoln, so the brand rightly expects even better results from the MKZ. And while the car will never be compared with a BMW Three Series or an Acura TL in the handling department, it is certainly a match for the likes of the Honda Accord, Toyota Camry and Nissan Altima.

Yay! Lincoln is as good as the Accord (which starts at $18,600). Way to go, Lincoln!

That's a snap of the '06 Lincoln Zephyr with some big-ass wheels. We wonder if you can really get wheels that big from Lincoln.

Ford Is A Lincoln Is A Ford

The Truth About Cars reviews the Lincoln MKX. And sorta take a Ford on it.

And you pay a proper price for the privilege. Lincoln’s MKX is roughly eight thousand dollars harder on your wallet than a comparable Ford Edge, which has the same powertrain, chassis and moonroof, and can be ordered with the same navigation system, up-rated audio and a fine leather interior of its own. So what's to love about the MKX? A retro grille, better warranty, woodgrain accents, A/C seats and luxury tuned (i.e. less sporting) dynamics. Yup, it’s the Lincoln Zephyr all over again.

Ugh. Well Ford is clearly getting what it's due. Will Ford change its ways or just roll over and die?

That's a snap of the 2007 Ford MKX. Talk about tarting up a Ford! Ford's weak-ass media site didn't even have a snap of it. We had to snag it from Lincoln's regular site. How pedestrian!

Ford's Foolin'

Kicking Tires reports: MKS to Get 3.7-liter V-6. Oh, quit it already. We're going to go out on a limb (read: making stuff up again) and say the engine for the MKS is just the new 3.5-liter that's just bored out.

We're not saying the MKS needs a V-8 (it does) and we're not saying Lincoln is doomed (it is), but to goof around with the name several times and to now try to foist a "bigger" engine on us is weak.

If it turns out this is a totally new engine, we'll make sure to mention we were wrong (we won't).

Alison (angelic).

Can Lincoln Turn It Around?

The Detroit News reports: The future of Lincoln. OK, first off, the Ford Five Hundred really isn't as bad a car as everyone says. Sure, it's big. Sure, it's engine could use a bit more ooomf. Sure, it's a bit on the bland side. But if you are in the market for a big car, it's worth a test drive and argument with the salesdudes. Now, that said, Lincoln is going to use the Five Hundred's platform for its new big car. To replace the Town Car. Now, we obviously know nothing about cars, but that's the smartest move Lincoln could make. The Town Car is a symbol of Lincoln. Old, slow to react... heck, you drive in it, and you don't feel the road! (This is supposed to be an allusion to Lincoln's not being able to feel out the market and where the market is headed.)

Anyway, if (pretty big if) Lincoln can make the MKS* big, bold, and beautiful, maybe, just maybe, they can turn it around.

*We're pretty pessimistic, however, since Lincoln's track record is way, way, way, way less than stellar. Way less. Way, way, way less.

Nice Headline, CNN

Weak. Look, crapping on Ford because you think its cars are lousy is fine, but if you're doing totally out of context... ahhh! What are we getting at? CNN/Money reports: Lincoln Zephyr sub-par in crash test. Oh, no! Lincoln's Zephyr is bad? Unsafe? How did Ford let this happen? Let's read... not in the first graf or second... or sixth... or ninth... ah, 11th graf is about Lincoln! Let's get the dirt...

In the latest round of tests, however, the Lincoln Zephyr, the luxury brand's entry level model, earned a rating of "Acceptable," the second-best of four possible ratings, for both front and side crash protection.

Oh, second best.

"This is not a bad rating," Insurance Institute president Adrian Lund said in the announcement, "but all of the other midsize luxury cars we've tested get 'Good' ratings for frontal crash protection, so the Zephyr isn't competitive in its class for safety."

Oh. What? How come CNN picked on the Zephyr for its headline over this piece:

The Camry, Caliber, Zephyr and Rav4 earned ratings of "Marginal" for whiplash protection. The Tucson and Sportage earned a rating of "Poor."

Toyota rates a "Marginal"?! Whoa! Where's the "Toyota Kills Babies!" headline?

Look, we poke fun at Ford. Almost daily. But we like to think it's because they're too dopey to pick a friggin' name for the Zephyr --> Mark Zee --> Em-Kay-Zee. We don't pick on car companies to get people to read an article in which we don't mention the car in the headline until the 11th paragraph. That's weak.