Cars! Cars! Cars!

Cars! Cars! Cars! Parking Lot

When a writer begins to stray from the topic:
Today on Mother Proof: 2008 Audi A8 Reviewed. Hey, we're not throwing stones, we do it, too, but we expected more from Mother Proof. If you are dropping this kind of coin on a car, the kids ride with the nanny.

Aw, hell, damn, fart! Next-Gen Acura RL to get a V8 and RWD-biased SH-AWD. Is nothing sacred anymore? What made Acura special is that they didn't fall into the whole V8 movement. And it could have proved pretty dang smart as fuel begins its creep up to $5 by June '09. And this thing'll probably need premium. How the hell you gonna swing your double freakin' mocha latte?

Frakkin' yay! Lincoln likely to kill LT truck. Now to get Cadillac to drop the horrific EXT and we'll be on to something (sales are down 35% anyway... just drop it!)

Oh, as if this wasn't predicted a couple of years ago! (Ha! Get it? We called this sukka years ago when sales were even better than a paltry 2.25 a week or whatever the hell it is) Daimler Mulls Closing the Doors on Maybach. Why did the Maybach fail? Because it was brought over as a first-class passenger on the Queen Elizabeth II? No, despite the grand entrance, the car has no presence. So much so that decent design (again, no presence but a decent design) and moved it to Mercedes' S-Class. Boom! Maybach without the cos... Hell, S-Class is more than we can swing unless we get into Summer. Summer has presence.

No! No! No! NOOOO!

Well, screw us, it's a yes:
Autoblog reports: No surprise Cadillac is planning RWD sub-CTS.

Cadillac is the upscale brand. Up! Up! Uuuuup! You know why Lexus doesn't have a $25,000 car? You know why Mercedes doesn't have a $25,000 car? Because they are premium brands! Cadillac needs to starts acting like it. And, anyway, the profits are in the higher-end models, not the low-end ones like a car slotted under the CTS. If you want to... gah, we're so pissed we can't write. Which, granted, is no different than any other day, but when we're in a better mood, we look for pictures of Alison and, ahhhhhhh. That's better.

Hey, GM. Keep Cadillac the premium brand. The CTS should be the base car and there should be nothing below it. Look, you got lucky with the first CTS (as in: it wasn't a POS) and this current model (2008) is really very good, but your luck is going to run out and you're going to end up making another Cimarron. Or the one that hot what's her name/wherever the hell she is drove in the ads. Man, she was smokin'!

Anyway, don't go under the CTS. Please.

The Car What Saved Cadillac

Edmunds reports: Full Test: 2008 Cadillac CTS V6 DI.

Now we're talkin' Cadillac excellence. But we consider the CTS to be the one-hit wonder as far as selling and kicking-arse. Cadillac needs to make its big cars as luxurious as the CTS is cool. Can they do it? Because they need to.

NO NO NO

Well, maybe. No! Edmunds reports: Cadillac 2-mode hybrids being rumored. No!

Look, Cads... Can we call you Cads? Lexus is indeed a worthy foe, but just because they are making silly hybrids doesn't mean you should, too. Let Lexus make those silly things while we refine, refine, refine your gasoline engines. If you want to go for a surprise, come out with a clean diesel that'll do 50 mpg on the highway.

You are Cadillac and you do not follow the well-traveled road.

BLS Goes Boom

AutoWeek reports: Thud!

The U.K. failure marks the second time that GM has hit a pothole trying to sell Cadillacs in Britain—and may be a sign of trouble for the company’s global aspirations for the brand. Cadillac previously tried to market the Seville STS in the mid-1990s through GM subsidiary Vauxhall. This time around, GM appointed Dutch distributor Kroymans to run the sales operation.

Despite U.K.-specific models with right-hand drive, such as the BLS, the CTS sedan and the SRX, sales have barely broken 600 cars in two years. Kroymans can’t even furnish figures for 2007 because dealers haven’t provided the numbers. Some 300 cars sit unsold.

Is this a case of bad marketing or is there just a lack of appeal on the models themselves? The BLS is a Saab 9-3 with Caddy influences and since Europeans can already get a 9-3... Do you think marketing can fix this?

Large And In Charge. Well, Not Really

CNN reports: Showing off: Then and now. These are big-ass brutues:

Cadillac Escalade
Lincoln Navigator
Chrysler Aspen

The latter... the Aspen. Please. Did you catch the introduction (click on videos button on that page) at the Auto Show at the start of the year? What an amazingly crazy, waste-of-time introduction. We're pretty sure Chrysler only did that kind of intro to distract people from how odd it was to introduce a big SUV at a time when folks were moving away from. Really, go watch that video. Go! See? It really was that... oh, stop. No, stop crying. We're sorry!

Our buddy Jason recently reviewed the Navigator and gave it a thumbs-down. And while he didn't love the Escalade, he liked it well enough.

Anyway, these big-ass SUVs are big. And ass.

We work for About.com. Thanks goes out to alert reader Jeff. He simply rocks.

2007 NY Auto Show: The Rise of GM

Like subsidiary Cadillac, we know we have a schizophrenic opinion of GM. Why? It all comes down to products. We don't care who is running the place and we can easily overlook the price. But the if the product is a cat turd...

Take for example, the Cadillac CTS. First one? Weak! Now? Friggin' awesome! Go, GM! Oh, look, a Chevy (retch) Monte Carlo. What a piece of shite! At least GM smartened up enough to kill that car.

Anyway, as we walked around the NY Auto Show, we noticed that GM was finally getting its act together -- in most divisions (Pontiac is still weak and Buick is just slightly better): Saturn, Chevy, Cadillac. What products specifically are we happy about?

Cadillac

CTS
GM has paid close, close attention to rivals and, to its credit, has learned something. Cadillac took a weak product and turned it into something that we nearly ready to recommend and, get this (sad or not), it isn't even out yet.

With beautiful styling, available all-wheel drive and plenty of power, the CTS is making this sentence seem like a friggin' ad for Cadillac! While prices haven't been announced yet, we're pretty sure the CTS will be competitive with Lexus. Now how to change the public's perception?

For the record, there are few interior styling cues we'd like to see changed: the instrument cluster is sorta plain... whoa! That's it? Nice work, Cadillac.

CTS! CTS! CTS! A Car Redesigned. Only Betterer: 2008 Cadillac CTS

Chevy

Malibu
Right, we know! The friggin' Malisnooze? Look, not everyone is made of money. Or comes from money. Or has so much money that they can sell money. So, affordable cars are a very important segment to many, many people. Enter the Malibu.

It looks to be like the Saturn Aura, but less fancy and more affordable. This car is very important to GM because it has the chance to win back the hearts of the folks it totally, totally screwed for the last 20 years. We'll admit to being a bit naive thinking GM has totally turned it around but when the design is worth looking at, the prices are fair and the warranty is longer, well, we're ready to give them a fair glance rather than be totally dismissive.

Check it out and let us know what you think: 2008 Chevy Malibu

Saturn

Aura
Specifically we're talking about the Green Line. Yeah, yeah, it's not a "real" hybrid. But it's a good-looking car and it's priced right. It's priced to the point where maybe folks who would never, ever consider a hybrid will do so now. We're already pretty pro-Aura (the center mounted passenger airbag warning light needs to be moved... AND FAST!), but the Green Line is the potential icing on the Alison.

And if Saturn sells enough of these, it will spur GM to take more notice and invest even more money into hybrids and that is good down the road. Our challenge to Saturn: make the 2009 Saturn Aura Green Line get 40 mpg on highway. The non-hybrid Civic can do so now.

Green Lineageness:

Any thoughts on GM? They turning it around?

Make sure to check out all our NY Auto Show coverage.

By the way, nice works on these sites, GM. The sites are simple and show off the product. Try to go to see the Volvo C30 (which we friggin' love) and get all vomity at the site. What a POS site. Let us see the fucking car! Sorry for the weak-ass snaps... GM is still working on getting really good snaps for us hacks.

Detroit Observations

Oh, not our observations (we're busy looking elsewhere), but the astute observations of others. First up is our buddy Phil. He writes about an old Cadillac over at that finally came out of hibernation.

We've snagged Phil's snap of the car for illustration purposes only. Guess what year that Cadillac is? Nope. Nu-uh. Try again. Go read Phil's piece to find out the year of this beast and then realize that Detroit screwed themselves by being so far behind the times it's laughable. How could they have been making cars that looked like this for so long and still be around to say, "Hoo-boy, we stretched that line a wee bit long, eh?" At least Cadillac has turned it around (more or less). The Town Car hasn't changed in about 54 years.

Winding Road reports: Chrysler Dealmaking: Oh, What A Difference 12 Years Make. Ha! Don't things usually get more expensive as time goes on? Way to raise the bar on sucking, Chrysler!

SRX To Be Her Daughter

The Detroit News reports: Seat belt guard may prevent tragedy. Ha! Fucking ha! So there's this article dealie about a woman whose child keeps unbuckling her seatbelt. So the woman asks her own sisters what they did:

Has this ever happened to you, she asked. "All the time," they responded. What do you do, Mandarino asked. One sister suggested using duct tape to cover the red buckle release to keep Marilyn from unlatching the belt.

"I have a new Cadillac SRX," Mandarino said. "I'm not going to use duct tape on my new Cadillac."

That's funny stuff! And, sweetheart, it's a Cadillac. You'll be using duct tape on it sooner than later. Oh, stop. How could we resist that swipe?

Cadillac Cured?

AutoWeek reports: Twelve!!! This is exactly what Cadillac needs. A real luxury car. Shame on GM for ignoring this brand for years and years.

In fact, we have such a positive outlook on Cadillac that the brand is starting to become less "fun" for us. We're comfortable picking on Cadillac until the DTS is 86'd, however.