You are only an American if you speak English and drive an American car. The English language is defined not by those with the British accent, but the American one. The language of "um, uh, tawk, dawg." It also helps if you are blonde and have big boobs. An American car is defined as one made with these badges: Ford, Lincoln, Mercy, GMC, Chevrolet, Buick, Pontiac, Chrysler, Dodge, Jeep, Cadillac, Hummer (bonus points for this one), and Saturn. If you own anything else you are a traitor. And need to park somewhere else.
The Detroit News reports: New ads: Buy from Big 3, save U.S. jobs. And The NY Times (registration required) reports: Detroit Grapples With a New Era: The Not-So-Big 3.
Anyway, since we are already segregating and making racial slurs, let's make sure we do so intelligently and don't make any mistakes (no sense in looking like a durn fool about it): List of ethnic slurs.
It's very important to make people feel badly about their purchases by pointing out that by buying a non-American product that they are personally responsible for the fall of the American car companies, the state of economy, and your failing prostate. Be prepared to defend their counter-attacks of "American quality has really fallen" and "the competition is more reliable" and "the styling is so much nicer" and "the companies back up their product," and "this car was made in Guatamala." The most effective counter-counter attack is to question their: loyalty, manhood, and promiscuity. If these fail, please feel free to fall back to the old standard, "fucking commie."
By the way, these posters rock.
Ohhhhh, you got it all wrong!
You are only an American if you speak proper English and drive a hybrid. The English language is defined by those with upturned noses using pseudo-intellectual phrases. The language of " double decaf soy latte with Splenda extra hot.” It also helps if you are wearing some type of wire rim glasses and have some type of self-hating complex.
The only car to own is a hybrid. If you can’t find a hybrid, the best thing to do is to drive any thing from Japan, but in a pinch you can go with a German car too. If you own anything else, you’re just a redneck that needs to go back to your trailer. (Oh yeah, so you’re in NYC and never seen a tailor in your life? Your parents were obviously related and rednecks.)
Hustler Magazine reports: Japanese Sperm Found in America’s Butt. And Penthouse (both require registration) reports: USA Suck & Blow: Why you should hate yourself.
So let’s do some chants: Death to America! Down with USA! Burn the American pigs! Okay, so that we can all discusses this without any sense of irony, we need to Claire-ify…I mean “Clarify” what we mean by American. Just think of any broken down car as American. It doesn’t matter who made them, because the problems are the fault of the American workers, American parts, rednecks, radiation from Atomic blasts, or the fact that Claire didn’t get naked in T3 to reproduce the leader in man’s fight against machines, and you can tell Americans made those killing machines (Even though they were really made in Canada & Mexico) because they failed to kill Claire every single time. If the robots were Japanese, it would be smaller, more efficient, have hybrid-synergy, and Claire would be like “Oh take me you super brilliant Japanese scientists with enlarged brains after exposure to radiation when studying Godzilla.”)
It is very important to make people feel badly about their purchases by pointing out that by buying an SUV, it offends the environmentalist sensibility…That they are personally responsible for destroying the environment, prolonging the war in Iraq, promoting terrorism, Kevin Federline, and poor Fluffy born with 3 legs. Oh yeah, SUV buying moms are stupid bitches and whores that should be driving a hybrid. Be prepared to defend their counter-attacks of "I don’t care, can you just give me my order of Supreme Nachos?" and "I’m not American; I’m a programmer from India and stop asking me to spell Apu Nahasapeekmapetilon" and "I buy my car because I like it, not because I want to make a pretentious social/political statement regarding the future of the human race." The most effective counter-counter attack is to assume you know exactly what the right thing is for everyone. If these fail, please feel free to fall back to the old standard, “I am so hot because I drive a hybrid…I just can’t stop touching myself…I get turned on thinking about my own greatness…oh yeah! Faster…Faster…Now apply hybrid-synergy and slow down without wasting energy.”
Posted by: Shawn | Friday, May 12, 2006 at 01:34 PM
Well Bob, I guess I'm guilty as hell. Not only did I buy a "foreign" car, it's not union built. And I had the brass balls to get on my soap box several times over the last year urging others to buy Union/American.
What can I say, it was a "protest" buy. I wanted a new Ford Focus, but they don't sell the "New" Focus here. So, I bought the closest thing to the "New" Focus I could, a Mazda3.
I know I should hang my head in shame right. Well screw it, Ford failed me before I gave in to their new design.
Oh one final note Bob, where's the Claire referance/link?
Posted by: BigFordFan | Friday, May 12, 2006 at 10:00 AM