Cars! Cars! Cars!

Morning News: Buick, Chrysler Uses Technology, and Unions Are Bad

Is Buick Bummin'?
AutoWeek reports: Buick dealers banking on new Lucerne, marketing campaign to help ignite brand. Ha! Some Buick dealer sold six freakin' Buicks last month and that puts him ahead of the curve for all Buick dealers? Oy.

The Lucerne's success is critical. It must carry the brand for a year; Buick dealers won't get another new product, a crossover, until early 2007.

"This is the car that's either going to save the brand, or the brand is doomed," Fusco says. "I don't see how they can sustain Buick if the (Lucerne) doesn't work." The Lucerne replaces the Park Avenue and LeSabre, which GM phased out with the 2005 models. Those two vehicles combined sold 75,094, or 30.8 percent of total Buick sales, through the first 10 months of 2005.

GM started shipping the 2006 Lucerne to dealers on Oct. 29. Fusco got his first two on Nov. 17. He had not sold them as of last week.

Crap.

Chrysler: Computers Are Good
AutoWeek reports: Chrysler hoping to turn Web surfers into buyers with online phone contact option. Wow, check it out... Chrysler starts using some technology, and it's working! Good for Chrysler for embracing 2001 technology. Oh, we kid!

The automaker found that some truck shoppers were getting frustrated with the process of selecting a model and preferences.

"In general, it's an intuitive process, but when you get to some pickup trucks it can be very complicated," Morton says. "We noticed that we were having some abandonment where a customer would start but might not complete the configuration."

They might not understand certain terminology or may not know how to determine the towing capacity that they need, he said.

"They can click on the icon and talk to an expert at our call center who can help them answer those types of questions," Morton says.

The Chrysler group is pleased with the results. Up to 20 percent of the customers using Click to Talk have purchased a vehicle, compared with just 10 percent of callers who contact the Chrysler group through traditional marketing materials.

Hey, an increase in sales! That's something Detroit needs to hear more often!

Unions are bad
Man, more and more we're just reading about unions being the problem in America.

Labor Pains from The National Review.

GM Death Watch 43: One More Such Victory... from The Truth About Cars.

Sure, unions aren't perfect, but to claim that unions are the only problem, or even the main problem, is just wrong.

For 30 fucking years, Detroit put mediocre cars on the roads that took them to where they are today. And poor reliability gave them the reputation they have today. A common thought regarding to reliability was, "I thought that was intentional so I'd have to buy another car sooner." Weak-ass negotiations with unions are costing them dearly, and now management complains about it? (We'll admit that job bank dealie is a bit weird.)

Detroit's market share is way down from its peak, and sales are way in the pooper. So pardon us from not understanding, but this isn't a union problem. This is a product problem. Are the unions expensive? Sure. Are unions the reason no one (OK, fewer and fewer) is buying the products? No. Detroit doesn't currently have what people want. The union workers could nearly work for almost nothing, but as Detroit's market share and sales plummet, it would still go out of business. Unless Detroit starts making in-demand productsm the unions aren't the primary problem.

Wagoner: Unions = Bad, Millions Of Dollars For Me = Good

Autoblog reports: GM CEO secures fat pension. Sweet! A guaranteed $4.6 million retirement dealie on top of his $2.2 million annual salary and, as of '04, a $2.4 million bonus. Sweet!

And still GM lost craploads of dough, has not announced a turnaround strategy and is still rolling out trucks and SUVs like nobody's business. Wagoner is funny because he does funny things (and gets away with it).

Toyota Reminds

We don't know why we were reading tree hugger either but we did come across this: Gallons Saved: Toyota Hybrid Marketing Billboard. We liked this because in a time when automakers are making hybrids more powerful (Honda Accord) rather than more fuel-efficient (SUV hybrids? This is what we're focusing on?), Toyota (which makes two fucking hybrid SUVs but only one hybrid car) reminds us that it should be about using less fuel. Although now that we realize Toyota makes twice as many hybrid SUVs as they do cars... now we hate Toyota. Jerks. We were also going to say we liked this because it moves us up in the eyes of the dirty hippie chicks, but this whole Toyota hybrid SUV thing got us all bummed out.

Morning News: Ford, Mustard, and Hyundai

Ford's PAG Fails To Lose As Much As It Could
AutoWeek reports: Ford says struggling Premier Automotive Group will make money in '06. Ford's CEO, Bill Ford, said its Premier Automotive Group--including Ford and Jaguar; read here for a list of automakers Ford owns--will actually make money in 2006. Disappointed, Ford was thought perhaps maybe to think:

So, PAG, you plan on letting us down again, eh? At least you, Jaguar, continue to impress us with falling sales... mostly because we insist on ruining the brand with cheap models like the X-Type. Heh, what a turd. I wonder if pushing Jaguar to make 200k cars a year was a bad idea? I mean, it's a high-end product and has a wonderful brand... I wonder if I should have let it make fewer cars but maintain that fancy elitism. Well, I guess I'll get what I want since I bet Jaguar makes under 100k cars for 2006. Heh, I just said "turd."

Ford needs a lot more help than a profitable PAG division: The part of the company that sells cars here in the U.S. is still losing money like no one's business. And we find it hard to feel bad for a company that, like Bill Ford thought up above, makes products like the Crown Vic and the X-Type. Hey, don't get us wrong. We dig the Fusion, Mustang, and, hell, even the Five Hundred (not everything has to be exciting; just well-executed). Heh, Bill Ford is funny because he thinks funny things.

Bill Ford: I Blow A Lot Of Hot Air!
"I mean, I kick ass!" thinks Bill Ford. The Detroit News reports: Bill Ford: Get on board or leave. Oh, would you cut it out already, Bill? We all understand that you are losing money like crazy and hired two hormonally charged, out-of-control young 'uns to solve the problems for you, but enough with the bravado. Prove to consumers that you make the safest vehicles, the best bang-for-buck vehicles, and the most reliable vehicles. You can charge a lot for those kind of vehicles, by the way, and still retain the "best bang for buck" title. Also, Bill, if you challenged any employee who disagreed with you to a Jell-O wrestling match, it might really improve morale.

GM Makes Fancy Technology
The Detroit News reports: Promoting safety with smart technology.

Such is the case with General Motors Corp.'s proposed new vehicle to vehicle (V2V) system, which uses current satellite vehicle tracking and communications capabilities to give drivers assistance with two safety-related challenges.

The first V2V application is to solve a problem most of us have probably faced - pulling out to pass a vehicle and almost colliding with a car in your blind spot. In this situation the V2V system would warn you of the 'hidden' vehicle by a visual alert in the door mirror as well as vibration on the relevant side of the driver seat.

The V2V system can issue an alert because it knows the exact location of the driver's vehicle and the approaching 'blind spot' car. Both vehicles, indeed any vehicle equipped with the V2V system within a certain radius, would be communicating their positions to one another in order to avoid potential accidents.

So, essentially, V2V means the two cars "talk" to each other and let each other know their distance from one another. But for something like this to work, it can't be proprietary. Unless GM opens up this standard and all auto manufacturers agree on how it will work, all we'll end up doing is not crashing our Cobalt into a Saab. But our sweet, delicious new Honda Civic Hybrid will still get run over by a Hummer. Speaking of eating, the editorial staff of Cars! Cars! Cars! has come up with a new system, too. It's called GP2GP. Instead of pulling your limousine up to another limousine and asking if they have any Grey Poupon, a simple display in the rear compartment will tell the old white dude in a bowler if there's any in the area.

Hyundai Gettin' Above Its Raisin'?
Autoblog reports: Hyundai moving upmarket. Autoblog rocks because they report on stuff well and use full sentences. And proper grammar. And punctuation. And this in this case, they make us wonder about Hyundai, too. Not only is Hyundai now gunning for Toyota's Avalon (they still have a long ways to go, but they picked a good target to go after) with their new Azera; it now seems Hyundai is also going to make a premium luxury sedan with a big ol' engine. Rear-wheel-drive, too. Autoblog asks, "It all sounds good, but I wonder if Hyundai’s marketers have heard the tale of the Volkswagen Phaeton?" Which is right on the money. We wonder whether Hyundai will come out with their own fancy-pants brand like Lexus and Infiniti.

This Is NOT Car Related
The Detroit News reports: Drivers' storage, tailgating issues spark inventions. Oh, we know, a freakin' truck-related article... but we like crap like this. Ha! There's a piece in the article about pooping and we wrote "we like crap like this." We're so fucking clever we can't stand ourselves! Heh, poop.

Morning News: Ford, Saturn, No More Gravy

Ford: Hybrids? We're Gonna Make Craploads Of Hybrids!
AutoWeek reports: Ford's new hybrid chief says automaker will consider partner as it moves ahead with plans. Ugh, it's one of those Q&A articles -- the kind we'd write if we were able to lift ourselves out of the gutter where we make fun of such articles. We're pretty low on the totem pole of article writin'. Anyway, a Q&A article never has enough analysis in it, and reporters never push the issue enough.

Is Ford interested in working with other automakers on hybrid powertrains? You already have a transmission deal with General Motors.

It would be unwise of us not to consider potential partnerships. In terms of any specific conversations going on at the time, I can't share.

We certainly are aware and have had discussions. But those are things that when we are ready to announce, you will hear about. I think anytime you are developing new technology, you have to always balance and weigh who are the partners, whether it is other automakers or scientists in other areas and what makes the most sense for customer satisfaction.

Well, of course she can't spill the beans. But using our patented inference translation device, we've concluded that... well, read this translated Q&A:

Is Ford interested in working with other automakers on hybrid powertrains?

Oh, God, help me! Yes! Our main focus is having someone else make it for us. We cutting costs like crazy over here, and there's no more free coffee so our engineering team (Sam) has pretty much fallen into a coma. Do you know how to make hybrid powertrains? We'll buy it.

The real article continues:

How far along is Ford in the development of the second-generation hybrid powertrain?

Gen II is coming along very well. We are very pleased with it. And we have things already going on with generation III. You are going to see in 2008 products that have the Gen II powertrain.

It seems odd that Ford already is developing a third generation of hybrid powertrain when the second generation is still years away from production.

There was a time in the 1980s when the electronic content on a vehicle went from $200 to $1,200 in an eight-year period.

Hybrids are much along that same kind of technology curve in the transaxle, the motors, the batteries and the control system. All of those things are riding a technology curve.

Again, we rely on our patented inference translation device to come up with:

Q: How far along is Ford in the development of the second-generation hybrid powertrain?

A: Very well, thanks. We're even working on the third generation, too. And the fourth. The fifth is, uh, almost done. The six is so advanced it's working on the seventh generation all by itself. The eighth generation, while technically not in a working state, builds life-sized replicas of Angelina Jolie.

Q: Sweet mercy! I like the sound of that.

A: Excellent! Hey! There she is now! Look! (runs away)

It would have been so cool if the Fusion debuted as a hybrid. So, so, so cool.

What? More Saturns?
AutoWeek reports: Five big product bets: GM's CEO banking on roll out of new trucks, crossovers and more Saturns. Man, more of them? We just don't get GM. Saturn is selling so few cars. The brand seems to stand for nothing. Why invest in it? GM, you have a crapload of brands and so few of them mean anything. Why invest in one that certainly has no more meaning? All of the hippies who wanted one have moved to Toyota's Prius (or Echo), and the ones who don't have that kind of money have moved to Hyundai or Kia. GM, kill Saturn. And Pontiac. Sell Saab. Crap, merge with Ford to save the U.S. auto industry!

No More Gravy
The Detroit News reports: Delphi worker fears bankruptcy is the end of good life. Man-o-man, $90k without a high school diploma! That's a pretty sweet gig. Oh, it ain't no $2.5 million signing bonus or anything, but it does buy you some nice sneakers and pizza with extra cheese. Now, there are a lot of things at play here:

1. Screw GM/Delphi for complaining about contracts that they agreed to!
2. $90,000 a year is good money. Really good money. And he didn't even finish high school (until later). Should he be making that much dough for that kind of work? Delphi says no. GM says no. Lots and lots of bosses say no. Guess no is the answer.

But why shouldn't he make good money? He's putting in 8 - 10 hours a day making an honest living. Why shouldn't there be a reward for that? These are the people that make America go and buy the crap that keeps the economy going.

Balls hears the argument that U.S. companies' costs are too high to compete with plants that pay workers less overseas, but he doesn't buy it.

"I think if Delphi wins, they lose," he says. "If I'm making $9 an hour, I'm not making enough to buy vehicles."

All of these GM maneuvers seem like the same kind of maneuvers that got GM into its current position in the first place.

Morning News: GM, Morena, Burns, and Ghosn

GM: A Strike Would Be Bad
The Detroit News reports: GM: Strike at Delphi is unlikely. Mr. Wagoner (GM's CEO) says he doesn't suck, claims it's not fair everyone hates him, and admits Aztek was result of drunken orgy with VW. OK, we made all of that up, but, really, can there ever been an excuse for the Aztek? (The drunken VW thing should be floated to see whether it would get people to forgive GM for that pile.) We're not sure exactly what we're looking for from GM's head honchos, but we think it would be something like this:

1. We're cutting brands that aren't selling.*
2. While we are only making four sedans, they're the best in their segment.
3. While we are only making eighty seven trucks, they're the best in their segment.
4. While we are only making two minivans, they're the best in their segment.
5. We're so committed to quality, we're raising our warranties to prove to our customers that these cars will last the long haul and that they will, without a doubt, buy their next car from us.
6. Our cars are going to be so reliable, we're able to actually raise our prices, thereby increasing our margins and proving to Wall St. that we're a good risk for loans and further investment.

We're so tired of hearing the next big thing is coming (crossovers, fuel cells, etc.) and think it would make a lot more sense to focus on specific products with specific timetables and have specific targets. (Car A will defeat the Accord by selling XXX units.) And on his hybrid comments:

"And the thing about hybrids," he said. "Come on, so far it's been an image play. Nobody's made a cent on it yet. I would have loved to been more active in hybrids early. I would love to have the rub-off of being the technology leader. We made a bet on fuel cells. That game isn't over yet.

"If we had been heavy in hybrids, would we be making a lot more money? No, in fact, I feel we would have been losing more money because every hybrid you sell you lose money -- we do, Toyota does, Ford does, be clear on that. Nobody's making any money on it."

Yes, we agree. Nobody's making money on them, BUT you guys weren't even focusing on making vehicles that use less fuel. More trucks and more SUVs... Oh, stop, we know Mr. Lutz says the new trucks/SUVs are the most-fuel-efficient ones around. Crap, we'll even say they are the best-looking, too, but if no one wants them... sorta doesn't matter. And, hey, we appreciate the fuel cell research if it's genuine. Products, man... It's all about products. *For some reason, GM is selling products like crazy over in China, and we don't suggest killing a brand that is selling, but kill the brand in the market it's not selling in.

Analysts: Water Is Wet, Rocks Are Hard, Morena Is Hot
CNN/Money reports: Analysts: GM needs more product appeal. Everyone knows that GM needs better products. Everyone. Even rocks know this, and we all know they don't even drive. Well, they don't drive very well. One rock cut us off while we were waiting to get in the Holland Tunnel. WTF was that about you sedimentary POS! Anyway, we've run out of time for this piece because we spent 15 minutes looking for pics of Morena.* Actually, the analysts said Claire is hot, but we all knew that. *For the record, we understand this is a character that actress Morena Baccarin played on a TV show, but, please, let us dream. We don't ask for a lot.

Awww, We Like GM!
AutoWeek reports: GM's r&d guru says 'cooperation would make sense' in drive to create hydrogen-powered vehicles. See? This Larry guy over at GM seems to be on the up and up, and we like that. We don't really know what all this hydrogen, kilowatt and whatnot means, but we're impressed that this dude is GM's vice president for r&d and strategic planning and has that funny show on HBO. Oh, that's Larry David. Oh, maybe this was the dude from M*A*S*H? Major Burns was funny. Oh, that was Frank Burns. Man, Larry Burns isn't funny at all.

Ghosn: Sales Will Recover
CNN/Money reports: Nissan CEO: Sales drop a 'correction'. Go, Mr. Ghosn! Predicting precisely when the sales dip will go away. We'll see, Mr. Ghosn, we'll see. Hey, if you're right, we'll need a bit of advice as to when Alison is going to fall for us. Oh, this will be an interesting read:

Ghosn, who added the role of heading Renault in April, is due to unveil a three-year plan for the French car maker in February.

Morning News: Isuzu, Kia, GM, and Ford

Isuzu: We're Gonna Get Really Small Before We Get Big
AutoWeek reports: Isuzu CEO says North American operations nearing a 'major turning point'. Guilty! That's right. We were sure this article was going to make Isuza CEO Yoshinori Ida look sorta dopey, but it didn't. Actually, the article started spewing out numbers that confused the hell out of us and, in fact, made us feel pretty dopey. And then angry. And then dopey again.

Kia: We Love Hillbillies
AutoWeek reports: Kia looks to mid-America for growth, hopes to double volume within five years. Len Hunt! We love articles that include Len Hunt. Len Hunt For President is what our bumper stickers would say if we had some printed.

Kia Motors America Inc. is turning to small-town mid-America to fuel its next wave of growth. The Korean automaker is on target to sell about 280,000 vehicles this year and wants to double that volume within five years.

"If you look at mid-America, places like Indiana, places that aren't the image markets, this is where Kia can make huge advances," Kia America COO Len Hunt said here last week.

Kia also has its eye on customers who might not even be considering a new car because they have credit problems: "Sixty percent of Americans have credit issues, yet they're not villains," he said.

Len Hunt throwin' out the V word. Len Hunt wantin' to give loans to people who might not be able to pay 'em back. Eh, maybe he's right. We give money to Hobo Joe knowing full well he won't be paying us back. But he also won't be throwing dead cats at us. Len Hunt did seem pretty forward with his thoughts, so, for that, we're appreciative:

Hunt said the introduction of six new or face-lifted products in 2006 will help drive Kia's growth. But the company still needs a halo car to help generate showroom traffic, he said, and none is on the drawing boards.

Hunt said he hopes Kia will build a manufacturing plant in the United States, although there are no plans to do so.

Hey, Len Hunt, if you keep up this kinda honesty... Well, we don't know much about honesty, but Rick Wagoner's version of honesty isn't doing a whole lot for him, so maybe you're onto something, Mr. Hunt. Len Hunt.

GM Currently Writing Suicide Note
The Detroit News reports: GM banking on 15 new vehicles. Well, The Detroit News is writing it for them. The article. It's essentially why GM is dying. Fifteen new vehicles coming, and the article's subhead reads: Automaker cannot afford any flops as it shores up strongholds in North America, builds market share. Out of the 13 vehicles listed in the grid (in the article), 11 are trucks: Tahoe, Yukon, Escalade, Suburban (good lord, this is still made?), Yukon XL (heh, heh, heh), Escalade ESV, Vue (a hybrid), Outlook, Acadia, Silverado, and Sierra. Man, we shoulda listed the new cars.... Anyway, if this is GM's answer to the bankruptcy question, then, yes, this is suicide. We still feel GM and Ford will have to merge in order to survive.

Unions Cause Cancer
That is an honest-to-goodness made-up quote from Delphi CEO Robert S. Miller. The Detroit News reports: http://www.detnews.com/2005/autosinsider/0511/23/A01-392012.htm. This is just so awesome:

The United Auto Workers on Tuesday filed a scathing objection to Delphi Corp.'s proposal in U.S. Bankruptcy Court to reward its executive team with bonuses and stock potentially worth more than $500 million.

We knew it! Unions are causing all the problems! It's so obvious!

Delphi's "incentive bonus" plan would parcel out $21.5 million to an unspecified number of executives during the first six months of bankruptcy. An additional $88 million in cash is also set aside for "emergence" bonuses to 500 execs when Delphi comes out of Chapter 11.

The severance program would give the top 21 officers a total of 18 months' worth of salary and target bonuses if they're forced to leave the company. Another 89 execs would get a year's pay and bonus as severance, while 373 other managers would receive a year's pay.

Awesome, awesome.

According to the program, the management team would receive 10 percent of the equity in a reorganized Delphi. With a projected net equity of $4 billion, the stock options and restricted stock could total $400 million.

Under a successful reorganization, Delphi's top five officers -- not including Miller -- could receive a combined $25 million in stock options and another $12.5 million in restricted stock .

AWESOME! In related news, Delphi has offered a last minute compromise to union workers: a cold Christmas.

Ford: Help!
CNN/Money reports: Ford won't rush downsizing plan. Yeah, don't want to go rushing it and fuck it all up.

In a question-and-answer session following a speech on the need for government and industry cooperation on energy issues, including government incentives for research and sales of hybrid and alternative fuel vehicles, [CEO Bill] Ford rejected suggestions that the nation's No. 2 automaker needed to accelerate the rollout of its plan.

Incentive for research and sales of hybrids? Hello? This is a capitalist society. Higher sales and profits aren't enough of an incentive? And don't go giving us the "it costs a lot to make a hybrid crapola." Toyota is raising the price on the Prius (every year, we believe), and they still can't make enough of them.

In his speech delivered at the National Press Club, Ford called on the federal government to provide a range of subsidies to help U.S. automakers produce more fuel-efficient vehicles.

This is such bullshit. More corporate welfare. Bill, your family has made billions over the decades, and the frickin' government built the highway system so you could sell more cars.... That's not enough? Shit, buy the hybrid stuff from Toyota if you don't want to do the R&D yourself. But don't go crying to Uncle Sam because you got your ass kicked in a game that you had a decades-long lead on.

Morning News: GM, Ford and Motor Trend

Though It's Depressing, Here's a Great GM Roundup
The Detroit News has all the coverage of the latest GM mess. There are a crapload of articles and pretty artwork with each piece. Lots of places have coverage like this, and our friends at other pants-wearing blogs have listed it all up prettylike:

Jalopnik: A General Roundup: GM in the Newsosphere

Autoblog: GM Aftershock: how we’re all handling the news

Ford's Problems Ain't My Problems! Says Bill Ford
AutoWeek reports: Bill Ford tackles North American crisis; CEO charges top execs with enforcing turnaround plan. WTF! "Hey guys! ... Help?" That's Billy F. talking to his staff when he got stuck on the Bowflex, but it could have easily been said in the boardroom recently. That's right, the head of Ford and a Ford family member has said, "I'ma no can do!" and passed the work on to his underlings. Hey, we get it. You have this big ol' team of people under you to work with you to get stuff done, and we're cool with that. But to essentially say you aren't part of the solution when your friggin' name is the company's name...

When Ford Motor Co.'s board of directors reviews a do-or-die turnaround plan on Dec. 7 and 8, that proposal will bear the fingerprints of "Mark and Anne."

It's going to be drastic. Ford is expected to close several assembly plants and eliminate thousands of jobs. And when that plan is unveiled in January, its creators -- Mark Fields and Anne Stevens -- will be asked to enforce it.

Ford's North American business is in crisis, says CEO Bill Ford, and it's up to Fields and Stevens to turn it around. Fields is president of the Americas, while Stevens is the new COO of the Americas.

It's up to Fields and Stevens to turn it around. Sweet Mercy!

Said Bill Ford: "They're a very interesting team, Mark and Anne, because they have completely different strengths and completely different backgrounds. They work very well together. That's why I keep saying, 'Mark and Anne' -- they are working seamlessly together."

We get it: Mark and Anne will be fired together if the turnaround plan doesn't work. And will probably be caught up in a tawdry sex scandal. Which, if they were really smart (Mark and Anne), they'd make it part of the turnaround strategy. Then maybe sell a car like the... well, they could always bring back the Probe. Heh, probe.

Motor Trend Wusses Out
CNN/Money reports: Honda Civic wins 'Car of the Year'. Come on! Of course the Honda Civic rocks. Even people who hate cars can write 1,000 words on why the new 2006 Civic rocks. If Motor Trend really wanted to impress, they'da picked the 2006 Chevrolet Monte Carlo or the 2006 Mercury Grand Marquis. THAT would have taken some good editorial writin'! In unrelated news, Cars! Cars! Cars! picks the 1979 Ford Pinto as car of the year. Ah ha! We see you are speechless! Victory is ours! Ppphft, Motor Trend... Amateurs.

Review Roundup: 2006 Chevrolet Impala

We had a big debate here at Cars! Cars! Cars! global headquarters over which car to choose for this week's Review Roundup:

Simon: Impala!
Mr. Peterson: Civic!
Web Peon: Alison Krauss! I get the first test drive! Uh, what we votin' on again?

Actually, we were standing in the middle of Grand Army Plaza and a pretty sweet ride blew past us (eh, it was stuck at a traffic light but "sweet ride blew past us" sounds far cooler). It was all black and had a decent shape. Crap! It's a Chevy! Crap!! It's a friggin' Impala. So, that sealed the deal. If we can be tricked into thinking "sweet ride" we'll pick it for the Review Roundup.

The 2006 Chevrolet Impala is all-new for 2006. And, in all seriousness, we picked the Impala in an effort to be timely because, at the time of publication, GM was running another discount program dealie (we think it's called a Red Tag sale). The new prices might be tempting if you are looking for a car that's bigger than the Camry/Accord world. But is the car a true competitor? Let's see if the experts are Diggin' It, Lukewarm or if they Be Hatin'.

About.com
2006 Chevrolet Impala LTZ
Chevy Returns To Its Car Roots
Rating: Diggin' It

It seems Chevrolet's engineers had one target to beat when they set out to make over the Impala for 2006: Toyota's Camry. And, believe it or not, they've succeeded in building a car that's as good as the current Camry. ... While the Impala's exterior can perhaps most charitably described as mature, I was very impressed with its new interior. The dash is simple and uncluttered. The instrument panel is well laid out and the gauges easy to read. The seats are well shaped and firm ? much more supportive than the last generation Impala seats. ... For most the last decade and a half, however, the lion's share of its R&D money has been directed to light trucks. Passenger car development was virtually ignored. This began to change in 2001 but the changes haven't yet gained any real traction. A good example, however, of traction is the 2006 Impala. The interior is top-notch and its engine is excellent with good fuel economy (passing power is excellent as well as acceleration from a dead stop).

Colin has almost no complaints about the Impala and that certainly opened our eyes. But, Colin does point out something very important to remember:

You see, the problem with how Chevrolet makes its cars is that while the '06 Impala is as good as the current Camry, it will almost certainly not be as good as the next generation Camry. I'm having a hard time seeing how Chevy will re-assert its position of top dog if they'll always be one step behind the competition.

Full disclosure: We are friends with Colin Hefferon and we still do work with About Cars (this blog gig ain't payin' for bail each time we steal Natalie Portman's head shaver).

The Car Connection
2006 Chevrolet Impala
Chevrolet improves its version of the stealth fighter
Rating: Diggin' It

Now comes this new Impala looking better (though not that different) than the old one and surpassing it (and most everything else in its class) in virtually every way. ... "Our goal was to build on the previous car's success and move it upmarket a bit," said Impala Lead Exterior Designer Louis "Chip" Thole. Mission accomplished, we think. Perceived quality inside and out, judging by fits, gaps and materials, is much improved and competitive. ... It's no Audi inside but (like most Audis) simple in design and well executed with IP plastics hard to the touch but nicely textured. The only real controversy, as always, is the faux wood in most models. Some will like it, we don't. Brushed metal-look trim is optional, but we like the SS's carbon-fiber-like panels. There's good passenger room front and rear, and flip-and-fold rear seats provide a choice of recessed cargo bins or a carpeted flat floor with pass-through to the trunk. Nice! ... It was clear at elevated speeds that much attention has been paid to interior quietness in both cabin isolation and at-the-source noise reduction.

Man, Mr. Witzenburg went on and on. We could have copied the whole friggin' article (uh, we almost did) and it would have been a big ol' load of praise.

The Detroit News
2006 Chevrolet Impala SS
Fresh Impala offers room, performance
Rating: Lukewarm
Crap, we picked one of them wacky He Said/She Said dealies. And there's not even any Kevin Bacon.

SHE: ... we were able to park next to last year's Impala for an impromptu nose-to-nose comparison. The differences were telling. The new model looks more expensive. So it passed the parking lot test. But as far as being a great road companion, I would only give it average marks. The low point for me came when I had to ball up my sweat shirt and put it behind my back on the ride home because the driver's seat had such poor lumbar support. HE: You're tough. In fact, I loved driving the new Impala SS, which is quite a different beast from the last, rear-wheel-drive edition. This one adds a 5.3-liter V-8 and four-speed automatic to GM's midsize, front-drive chassis, and the combination is pretty entertaining, to say the least. SHE: Frankly, you were eating way too much fudge or maybe smoking something funny because I can't believe you gave this car four stars. There were just too many things that seemed unfinished or struck the wrong chord. Even though they redesigned it, I didn't feel like the cabin was all that inviting or user-friendly. HE: Forgive me for defending Chevy, but there's an awful lot to like about the new Impala. The cabin has been updated, with greatly improved quality, and is still really roomy for families or older adults who want a little extra space, but don't want to drive a land yacht. For under $30,000, there are few competitors that offer this much room and performance.

Ugh, why did we pick this review? We are glad that SHE pointed out the crappy gas mileage of the SS: 19 mpg on their trip. That's crappola. SHE rated it a 3 and HE rated it a 4 so we gave it a Lukewarm because Elizabeth Perkins never returned out calls.

Edmunds.com
2006 Chevrolet Impala SS
Return of the Real Impala
Rating: Diggin' It

It stacks up well, both on the road and on paper. Although a fully loaded Impala SS can break the $31,000 mark ... In the age of the $29,000 V6 Camry, we think that makes the SS a good value. ... The operation of GM's Displacement on Demand (DoD) system is nearly impossible to detect. Despite the cylinder shut-off system, however, this is no economy car. During driving heavily weighted to freeway cruising, it returned just 18.6 mpg. In heavier stop-and-go traffic mileage slipped down to 14.7 mpg. ... The new Impala SS doesn't drive like an old Impala SS. Instead it drives a lot like the 2003 Cadillac Seville STS, which is another GM front-driver powered by a V8 and four-speed automatic transaxle. And that's not feint praise. Like the Caddy, the Impala SS feels solid and substantial. ... Off the test track, the Impala can't match the Charger's chassis balance or responsiveness to steering input and the car's natural tendency to understeer at the limit can't be overcome with throttle. But it rides better, is slightly quieter and is completely confident in everyday use.

We thought this review was going to be all peaches and cream until we got to:

Still, the interior isn't perfect. ... the controversial interior element is how little room there is for a car this size. The Impala stretches 9.3 inches longer than an Accord sedan on a 2.6-inch-longer wheelbase but offers 0.3 inch less front legroom and only 0.8 inch more rear legroom. In its favor the Impala has more hip- and shoulder room than the Accord and its 18.6 cubic feet of trunk volume eclipses the Honda's meager 14 cubic feet, but this is a big car and a big car ought to have more stretching room.

OK, so here's the deal:

Diggin' It: 3
Lukewarm: 1 (because of the SHE)
Hatin': 0

We really wanted to have 5 or 6 reviews but we couldn't find any other complete reviews (Hey, Chevy, get the car into the press fleet!). But a 75% approval rating and if you count the 1 Lukewarm into two pieces (there were two people reviewing), we're up near 90% Diggin' It.

Anyway, we are pretty impressed. The comments in these reviews are, we feel, fair and honest. The car is: big, put together competently, comfortable and handles well. We included two reviews of the SS version and the complaints about that were pretty obvious from the start: it's front-wheel-drive so "purists" were going to hate it from the get-go and it gets bad gas mileage. We're a bit miffed that one common element in the reivews was the car wasn't as big on the inside as it was on the outside... What's that about?

So, what do these reviews say about the 2006 Chevrolet Impala? It says Chevy is building a decent full-sized car. Who knew they could still do that? Since sales of the 2005 Impala are off by 17% (end of October 2005) we bet the 2006 Impala doesn't have a hard time breaking that goal. Will it beat Camry and Accord? No. Our prediction: 2006 models will outsell 2005 models by 20% or more and GM will hail it as a future of what is to come. But, remember, that's not fair because sales are already off 17% for 2005 models (compared to 2004). We also think the 2006 Impala will steal sales from Ford's 500 but we wouldn't be surprised if some sales came from other GM divisions like Pontiac and Buick.

Images from Chevy and are not part of our CCL.

That's It, We're Moving To Britain

Man, what's up with Brits and yabos? Doesn't matter, 'cause it's all good over from where we're sitting. Reuters reports: Semi-naked models drive motorists to distraction. Now all we need to not pack our bags is to have the models totally naked, our Mom not home, and the model be Claire. And her totally, totally drunk. Totally. And high.